I have noticed an interesting, albeit annoying, phenomenon
lately – completely heterosexual men with vaginas. I am not saying the have REAL functioning, vaginas. They have vaginas in the figurative sense, which makes them act like women. No bueno.
Now before you point your finger at me in an accusatory
fashion, please know that I am not saying ALL men have vaginas. There are still the manly men out there who
grow beards in “Movember” and scratch parts of their anatomy in public that
makes their significant others cringe. I,
for one, like my men “manly” and am happy to report that my husband Bill has
never exhibited signs of even a tiny vagina as part of his anatomy. Yes, I have seen him cry, but not without a
good reason. He hates shopping, and has never exhibited signs of bi-polar behaviour.
He is an all-American guy who would
rather have his teeth drilled without novacaine than get a manicure. He passes gas regularly and thinks it is
incredibly funny. He is more comfortable
in his Levi jeans and a fishing t-shirt, and he actually had to purchase a suit
when we got married, since he didn’t have one to his name. He gives great bear hugs when I am sad, and
always makes me feel “little” even when I’ve gained weight. He is also more than capable of telling me to
pull myself up by my bootstraps when I am being a big baby. He keeps it real, and I am thankful for my
manly guy.
Seriously, these vagina-sporting men are rocking that particular girl part with great enthusiasm. They are moody, weepy, given to temper
tantrums, and would rather go shopping than watch sports. They are “in touch” with their feminine side, dress
better than most women I know, and they fight like girls – nasty. They show signs of manipulative behaviour and
use the guilt card on a regular basis. Every time I am around one of these dudes (I
am using that term loosely here) it makes me break out in a rash. How DARE they impinge on those womanly
traits? Women are the only ones who are
allowed to act like that. It is expected
of us. It is our God-given right. It is
what makes us one big collective pain in the ass. Seriously, I’m pretty sure if Bill caught
himself acting in that manner, he would make me take him out to a field and
shoot him with one of his big manly guns.
I do know women who think guys with vaginas are “cute” and
are thrilled to have a shopping buddy, as well as a bed buddy, all rolled into
one. I, for one, could not deal. To me, there is nothing sexy about a man who
is more obsessive about waxing his guys parts than I am about waxing my hoohah.
Of course, I am not repulsed by man
hair. I find it kind of appealing, and
it certainly is handy in the winter when it’s cold outside. I understand that there are guys out there
that are sporting the “fur coat” on their backs. I realize women may not find that
attractive. That’s fine. Go get laser hair removal. But for chrissake, don’t make a public
service announcement about it. This is
way too much information. I don’t even
want to think of ME getting a wax job.
I think the most annoying thing about these vagina-equipped
men is that they are so “in tune with their feelings” and feel compelled to
inform anyone who will listen about how they wished their girlfriend could
understand their needs. Do I think men
have needs? Yep, absolutely. Are guys
supposed to talk about it ad nauseum? Nope, not last time I checked. That is a conversation FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
not the entire world. I do not want to “chat
about it” over a cup of coffee. That is
what I have female friends for. Us girls
have the lock on whining, moaning, complaining and going on in great detail
about every little aspect of our lives, no matter how trivial. I can’t even imagine what Bill would say if
one of his close buddies came up to him and said, “You know, I really love
[insert name here] but she just doesn’t take the time to understand what I’m
feeling about our relationship, and that I really just want her to listen.” Really? Yeah, let’s just say Bill wouldn’t
handle that interaction well. But it’s
never going to happen, because out of all of his guy friends, NONE of them have
a vagina. I’m 100% sure he’s happy about
that.
It’s not that I don’t miss having a homosexual guy friend. THAT is a totally different animal. They are
allowed to have an imaginary vagina. They are the most awesome at telling you
which outfit looks like crap on you, and will partake in heartfelt chats for
hours about feelings and relationships and Real Housewives of New Jersey. I’ve had several gay friends over my lifetime
who not only have maneuvered me through some very dicey relationship issues,
but have also kept me from committing some devastating fashion mistakes. Gay guy friends are like great female friends
without the competitive edge. There is
no competing. It is apples and oranges.
So to any overly-sensitive, overly emotional, moody, weepy
guys out there. Stop it. It’s not attractive, or sexy, or even
remotely appealing. Pull out your
tampon and MAN UP.