Thanks for the memories, Beaches!!!

I’m back from the holidays…I know, you’ve missed me. I almost didn’t get a blog in this week, but I hate to disappoint…grin. By the way, I hope everyone had the best and brightest of holidays.

I have been reflecting on my holiday break which was spent in a beautiful rented house in the Outer Banks in North Carolina with my darling hubs, Bill, my precious daughter, Tricia, and some of the funniest, nuttiest, most caring people I know – a truly great ensemble cast of characters. Some of them were there for a few days, some for the week. There were a few surprise visitors, one brought his guitar along with him. We played pool, ate mountains of food (mostly bacon) and drank enough alcohol that I’m actually considering putting myself on a transplant list now. We spent an afternoon assing around in our 4x4’s on the beach, and spent most evenings just hanging out, since that was more fun than any other venue could provide. Believe me, this bunch is more than entertaining. There was laughter in copious quantities, love was in the air, and some memories were made that I will carry for the rest of my life. I think each one of us can say we saw a side of each other that we wouldn’t normally be privy to, and it was just amazing. No one fought, egos were checked at the door, and everyone got along brilliantly. I can say in all honesty it was one of the best Christmases I can remember in a long time. I cherish each one of you – Sherrel, Brian, Rich, Annessa, Heather, Jeff, John, P.J. and Billy. There were a few who couldn’t make it. I can’t imagine how much even more crazy fun it would have been if they had been there. Georgia, Missy, Stacy, Sherry, Donna…nothing would make me happier than if you could be there next time as well.Of course we'll need a bigger house. Five bedrooms won't cut it.

It’s funny the people that come in and out of your life. Some are there for only a short amount of time while others walk into your life and stay awhile. The good ones are the ones you grow old with, and I certainly hope each of my crazy friends is with me for a lifetime, however long that may be. It’s hard to find quality people whom you care about, and who really think you matter as well. I’ve been plagued with people who are takers, who only think of themselves. Those are the ones that are the most toxic. You never really spot them at the time, but when you step back and really look at their behaviour, how they treat you and others, it becomes painfully obvious that the person they are most concerned about is themselves. Even their own families take a back seat to their wants and their needs, their perception of what they deserve, to hell with everyone else. One should never give away their energy to such people, for to do so is tantamount to beating your against a wall. I don't know about you, but I’m tired of having a headache. Thankfully I can count those individuals on one hand, the others were weeded out long ago. The years have taught me to always be wary of the takers in the world.

My intimate group of friends, that bunch of whack jobs? There isn’t one of them that fits into the “taker” category. They give of themselves without thinking, and they are loyal no matter what. I am certain I could pick up the phone and call them if I needed them, even for bail money. I’d say that would never be the case, but...ya know...

So here is to 2012…out with the old, and in with the new. But I am blessed to have a lot of the “old” in my life to carry over into the new year, and beyond.

I just wanted you to know that you guys are the simply the best, and I am humbled to be a part of your lives. <3

I cherish each one of you more than you know. <3

Yep, she's the black sheep...baaaaa...

I don’t fit into the mold of a certain “type” of woman. I never have. I used to think that it was me, that it was a bad thing. I thought that for years. I saw the way people looked at me, and I wished I could be different. But I am a woman dictated by my emotions. I feel what I feel, and I am very bad at faking it.

It’s difficult to always feel like you are on the outside looking in - the different one, the one who just has something wrong with her. I really tried to be just like everyone else, I really did. And then, I would fail miserably, which allowed the depression to kick in, rendering me completely useless for weeks, sometimes months. I am excellent at withdrawing from life, pulling shut all the curtains, crawling into my bed and refusing to venture out for any reason. Or, as my manic side would sometimes dictate, squirreling myself away with my paintbrushes to paint – all hours of the day, sometimes seemingly non-stop. Yes, I am probably unmedicated to some degree. It’s ok. I’ve been medicated sufficiently before and it was miserable. I hate not feeling anything at all, so I will deal with myself just they way I am.

So (there is actually a point to all of this) when people hurt me, it cuts to the bone. They may not mean it. They may not realize they are even doing it. But it happens, and when it does it is painful in ways that physical injury is not. One thing I have discovered is that most hurt stems from people trying to exercise control over your life. So today, when someone I care for lashed out accusing me (albeit passive aggressively) of failing as a family member (not my own family by the way) I was devastated. For years, I have tried so hard to please this person, and now I realize that it didn’t matter. No matter what I would have done, the outcome would have been the same, because I had deprived her of control. And she would never forgive me of that. My first reaction was anger, then hurt, then utter heartache. Again, I had failed in my efforts, even though there was really no way I would have done the right thing in her eyes, other than to completely set aside everything that is important to me, in order to handle what she deemed important.
It’s always worse when this crap happens around the holidays, but inevitably it does. It sucks the life right out of you, makes you feel like inadequate, unwanted, unnecessary. The one thing that keeps me from falling down the rabbit hole is the fact that I have this incredible network of friends who would walk on fire to be there for me, in whatever they could. I also have my daughter and my own family, and they are more precious than gold. They don’t always understand me, but they always believe in me…daughter, friends, family…and in the end, they always save my heart and my soul.

I know this has not been the cheeriest of blogs, but sometimes the best thing a person can do is empty their heart onto a piece of paper. It’s cleansing, cathartic, a spiritual experience. For me, it helps me to understand myself a bit better, without paying a therapist (I’ve done that enough in my life.) So thank you for listening, for caring and for being supportive. You know who you are, and I love you with all my heart.

Next blog will be funny, I promise.

The art of breathing...

I have forgotten how to breathe.

Not in a literal sense, but the art of being able to slow down long enough to simply take in the air, let it out, and relax. I’ve become accustomed to moving at such a rapid pace all of the time, that I have literally forgotten how to enjoy the moment. I miss those moments.

When did life become such a conglomeration of chaotic interactions, stitched together with all the things that drive us crazy, such as the endless list of tasks that are unfinished, birthdays that were forgotten, phone calls that never seem to get made. I’ve become so inherently bad at remembering anything, that I am start to wonder if I have early onset Alzheimer’s. I never expected to have “senior moments” at 46 years old, but they happen with alarming frequency these days, causing me to write everything down on haphazard slips of paper, or leave myself notes on my cellphone. A fair amount of stuff just falls through the cracks.

I can remember when sitting in my living room and having a cup of tea while picking up my latest knitting project was one of the great joys in my life. Or filling the tub with hot water and Mr. Bubble, and slipping in with a glass of wine was pure unadultered heaven. Those peaceful snippets of relaxation have all but disappeared from my day to day existence. It’s my fault, really. I could still have those moments if I would simply stop scheduling my life from sun up to sundown, and started leaving some open time on my Outlook calendar. I am missing those quiet times with Bill as well. Our weekends are packed with social obligations, household to-do lists, and running around in all directions. I remember when we used to just take a nap together. We haven’t done that in months. Well, he has napped, but I’ve been too busy to nap. Again, my fault, not his. I should make more time for the man I love. It’s so easy to think “we have the rest of our lives” but the truth is, if we don’t make up our minds to make the time now, one day we’ll open our eyes and there will be no more time.

I think, this year I will make a heartfelt New Year’s resolution to SLOW DOWN. I need to reclaim my “me” time, my “Bill” time, and my “Tricia” time. I want to be able to stop and focus on the little things, because in the end, it’s only the little things that matter – the softness of my daughter’s hair on my face when she hugs me, the sound Bill’s snoring when he’s sleeping. I want more long weekends to walk the beach, and less of the constant hustle and bustle that fills my days.

I think it’s a good New Year’s resolution, one that matters, and one that will add immeasurable joy to my life. Most importantly, it will make a difference to the people I love the most.