Yep, she's the black sheep...baaaaa...

I don’t fit into the mold of a certain “type” of woman. I never have. I used to think that it was me, that it was a bad thing. I thought that for years. I saw the way people looked at me, and I wished I could be different. But I am a woman dictated by my emotions. I feel what I feel, and I am very bad at faking it.

It’s difficult to always feel like you are on the outside looking in - the different one, the one who just has something wrong with her. I really tried to be just like everyone else, I really did. And then, I would fail miserably, which allowed the depression to kick in, rendering me completely useless for weeks, sometimes months. I am excellent at withdrawing from life, pulling shut all the curtains, crawling into my bed and refusing to venture out for any reason. Or, as my manic side would sometimes dictate, squirreling myself away with my paintbrushes to paint – all hours of the day, sometimes seemingly non-stop. Yes, I am probably unmedicated to some degree. It’s ok. I’ve been medicated sufficiently before and it was miserable. I hate not feeling anything at all, so I will deal with myself just they way I am.

So (there is actually a point to all of this) when people hurt me, it cuts to the bone. They may not mean it. They may not realize they are even doing it. But it happens, and when it does it is painful in ways that physical injury is not. One thing I have discovered is that most hurt stems from people trying to exercise control over your life. So today, when someone I care for lashed out accusing me (albeit passive aggressively) of failing as a family member (not my own family by the way) I was devastated. For years, I have tried so hard to please this person, and now I realize that it didn’t matter. No matter what I would have done, the outcome would have been the same, because I had deprived her of control. And she would never forgive me of that. My first reaction was anger, then hurt, then utter heartache. Again, I had failed in my efforts, even though there was really no way I would have done the right thing in her eyes, other than to completely set aside everything that is important to me, in order to handle what she deemed important.
It’s always worse when this crap happens around the holidays, but inevitably it does. It sucks the life right out of you, makes you feel like inadequate, unwanted, unnecessary. The one thing that keeps me from falling down the rabbit hole is the fact that I have this incredible network of friends who would walk on fire to be there for me, in whatever they could. I also have my daughter and my own family, and they are more precious than gold. They don’t always understand me, but they always believe in me…daughter, friends, family…and in the end, they always save my heart and my soul.

I know this has not been the cheeriest of blogs, but sometimes the best thing a person can do is empty their heart onto a piece of paper. It’s cleansing, cathartic, a spiritual experience. For me, it helps me to understand myself a bit better, without paying a therapist (I’ve done that enough in my life.) So thank you for listening, for caring and for being supportive. You know who you are, and I love you with all my heart.

Next blog will be funny, I promise.

Three years and counting...

Today is the anniversary of my first date with Bill, and he just sent the most magnificent bouquet of roses, peonies and lilies I have ever received. He’s never sent flowers before, and this one is bigger than most funeral arrangements I have seen in my life. When he does something, he certainly does make a statement. I cried. Flowers always make me cry.

So let me give just a little history. Our relationship was not of the traditional variety, but then again, very little about me is ever traditional. We did not meet in a bar, or at church, or through friends. However, the whole bar thing intrigues me, because Bill's collection of pickup lines is, well, nonexistent. Watching him try to pick me up in a bar would make for some great storytelling, I am sure. But we met online, and we were complete strangers. I had posted a profile on yahoo, mostly for the hell of it, and he had sent me an email, probably also for the hell of it. Why send me an email, you ask? Well, anyone who knows Bill will tell you his very favorite pastime is offshore fishing. I had put in my yahoo blurb that I had been offshore fishing a couple of times, so he just had to send me something, anything, and it was a diatribe. I wish I had saved it, but somehow it disappeared from my emails a while ago. It was a masterpiece though, specifically designed to melt my heart…and it did. I wrote him back, we chatted online, we talked on the phone, and we laughed a LOT. Magic…

The one thing I can remember so very clearly is opening my front door to see him standing there. And it was that first time I saw him that I knew I was in trouble. He was really cute and really really sweet. He was kind, and humble, and such a gentle soul. Me? I was damaged, recovering from a toxic relationship that shattered my trust in men. But he was persistent in his mission to win me over. We ate fried dill pickles, laughed some more, and played some pool. I tried to be coy, but was unsuccessful. I was smitten, and I’m pretty sure he knew it. That was the beginning…

Fast forward to today, this very moment. I can’t stop staring at these flowers. He called a bit ago, and the sound of his voice continues to melt my heart. I am still completely smitten. Our three years together have not been perfect, but they have been the best three years of my life. We rarely argue, and I feel like I’m missing my right arm when he’s not around. We never run out of things to talk about. At the same time, just sitting together with him in silence is better than most any conversation I’ve ever had with anyone. I can imagine myself growing old with him, spending the rest of my life with him. He truly makes me want to be a better woman, a better person.

Every day I am grateful that he sent that email. Some things are just meant to be, I suppose.