FACT - kitchen appliances are not birthday presents.

This week, our coffeemaker passed away. I’m not sure how it died, but we could not resuscitate it. It was certainly a sad occasion. Once Bill and I got over the untimely demise of our kitchen appliance, we knew it was time to start a heartfelt discussion on a new coffeemaker. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that it would cause so much angst in our otherwise peaceful home. Long story short…I want a Keurig system coffeemaker, and Bill wants a traditional Mr. Coffee, load up the Folger’s, fill it with water and turn the bitch on kind of coffee maker. Therein lies our dilemma. Last night’s particular conversation was interesting – note that it took place while we were lying in bed, lights already out…

Me – “We really need to get a new coffeemaker. I think we should get a Keurig.”

Bill – “Do you want it for your birthday???”

Me – “Uhhhh…NO. Have you lost your mind? Why would I want an appliance for my birthday? You might as well be buying me a new vacuum cleaner.”

Bill – “Ok, no coffeemaker for your birthday…got it. But I think we should just get a regular coffeemaker. We don’t need a fancy coffeemaker.”

Me – “You don’t understand. The coffee is foolproof. You’ll no longer have to deal with my coffee, which is too strong for you. We don’t have to grind coffee beans anymore because I’m too much of an elitist to use pre-ground grocery store coffee. It makes a PERFECT cup of coffee every fucking time.”

Bill – “I just like regular Maxwell House coffee-flavored coffee.” Me – “A Kuerig makes regular coffee, by the cup.” Bill – “Yeah, but if it makes it one cup at a time, it will take too long.”

Me – “Honey, it brews a cup of coffee in less than a minute.”

Bill – “No, it’s not a good idea. We should just get a regular coffeemaker.”

Me – “You’ve never even USED a Kuerig before. You have no idea what you are talking about! Wow, are we REALLY having this conversation now? You must not want to have sex at all.”

Bill – “I’m sorry. Let’s just drop it and have sex.”

Tricia (yelling from her room) - "Would you just stop talking and go to sleep???"

Me – nothing but the sound of me rolling over and going to sleep.

I would have never believed that coffeemaker would be such a point of contention. Even more than that, I cannot believe my sweet and wonderful husband actually contemplated getting me one for my birthday. Buy me candy, buy me wine, buy me jewelry or a day at the spa. DO NOT buy me household appliances. THAT will put a damper on your sex life for sure.

I will not yield on this one. We are getting a Kuerig and that’s that. We don’t even drink enough coffee to finish a pot, and inevitably, we always make too much. So the wonderfully easy and convenient “by the cup” method is perfect for us. And Bill will no longer have to drink coffee that is so strong, you can literally watch the hair on your chest grow while drinking it. (Southerners…they drink some weak-ass coffee in my opinion.) I know he’s not really on board with it right this moment, but when it’s sitting on our counter, surrounded by the glow of convenience and urban chic, I know he’s going to love it.

Maybe, but whatever, if I can’t have a Boo like Pomeranian, then dammit, I am getting a Kuerig, and it won’t be a birthday present.  I win.

I want a Pomeranian like Boo…

I’ve expressed my longing for an adorable ball of fur in the form of a Pomeranian that I can cart around in some ridiculously expensive doggy purse, but as usual, Bill is resisting. Big surprise, I know.

I didn’t always know that I wanted a Pomeranian. My first wistful thought of owning one occurred when my extremely evil friend Sherrel introduced me to the facebook page of a Pomeranian named Boo. Boo has 1.6 MILLION facebook fans, and if you take a look at his page, you can see why. He is an absolute ball of fluffy cuteness. And his owner entertains me with witty little quips under his pics. I am smitten. Boo even made it on the Today Show and Good Morning America to promote his new book, “Boo, the Life of the World’s Cutest Dog”. It’s amazing there aren’t more Pomeranians in the world, because he’s even cuter on TV than in photos.

So imagine my disappointment when Bill said “we are NOT getting a Pomeranian. If we get another pet, I am pulling an RV into the driveway and living in it. Five pets is more than enough.” I quickly reminded him that we used to have SIX pets, but my Pekingese, Marlen, tried to eat my daughter’s hamster at 4am one day. It wasn’t a good outcome. By the way, if anyone needs $500 worth of Ovotrail hamster paraphernalia, please let me know. I am damn sure we will not be getting another hamster. The violent demise of Mable was very traumatic.

So, I thought perhaps if I went down the road of “We USED to have six pets.” Bill would relent to my need for a Pomeranian...nope. He did not yield. He did not even waver in his response. He then informed me that when we do get another dog - apparently we have to wait until one of our other pets “takes the big dirt nap” - it will be a “hunting” dog, such as a beagle or a Jack Russell. Don’t get me wrong, beagles and Jack Russell’s are adorable, but in no way does their cuteness exceed that of a Pom. I told him I heard Pomeranians make excellent hunting dogs. He shook his head and rolled his eyes. Damn, I thought I was more convincing. . .apparently not.

I know I have a lot of pets. Currently, we are the parents of a Pekingese, a geriatric mixed breed dog, a cockatiel, a blue-headed pionus parrot, and a cockatoo who thinks she is a child (not even kidding a little.) They are all spoiled, all badly behaved, and all needy. But really, how much space can one more pet take up in the house? Poms are little, not even ten pounds. How much can they eat? I know my fifteen pound Pekingese’s poop isn’t much bigger than a rabbit. I would have to guess that Pom poop is even smaller. So many checks in the "win" column when it comes to Poms.

For now, Bill has won this battle. I don't have a choice really, so for now I'll just gaze at Boo's facebook page, and hope that someone leaves an adorable Pomeranian puppy on our doorstep.

I wonder how he’d feel about chinchillas?