Never let them see you sweat...or cry...

So let me preface this blog by saying I despise bullying.  I am one of the many who suffered immeasurably at the hands of bullies – one in particular, although I won’t mention names (Donna Richards) OOPS, did I say that with my outside voice?  My life was completely miserable because of the relentless harassment from 8^th grade all the way through high school. Would you believe that even graduation night, the person who made my life utter hell was seated DIRECTLY behind me?  I thought my life sucked.  I thought it would always suck.  Thankfully, I was wrong. Not only does my life not suck, my life is glorious, and filled with so many wonderful people and things that I sometimes pinch myself just to make sure I’m not dreaming.

So imagine my level of fury when I talked to Bill on the phone yesterday only to find out my daughter came home crying a river of tears because someone was bullying her.  She had just mentioned the day before that there was a kid named – we will call him “Nick” – that had been calling her truly awful names and cursing at her, even punched her once.  I, of course, gave her the “if he even thinks about bothering you, you need to tell me immediately…not tomorrow, not next week, RIGHT FREAKING NOW.  She said she would.  Low and behold, the next day, voilá! The little prick was at it again.  But wait, it gets better.  When he became relentless in his verbal abusive, something in my sweet dear child snapped. Not like Ralphie in a Christmas Story snapped, but it was pretty cool! She grabbed him by the shirt and just stared him down for about a ten seconds, although I’m sure it seemed longer to her.  Of course, then the delinquent pushed her and started to kick her, which was not the optimal outcome, but WOW, just WOW. She stood up to him.  She didn’t back down or break down, at least not until she got home. Where did she get the guts, the moxie?  I told her she was right to tell Bill and me what happened, but she should never have touched him, not that I actually agree with that, but the school has some bullshit “zero tolerance” policy, so for her “lay her hands on him” would cause my flute-playing, straight A, happy, compassionate, sweet child to be suspended along with the juvenile delinquent – not fair in my opinion. Bill called the school principal (who is a personal friend of Bill’s from childhood – bad news for ol’ Nick) and the principal said he would “handle it.”  And today, magically, it was “handled.”  Nick will no longer be bothering my daughter. In fact, he is not allowed to talk to her at all. Looking at her might not be a good idea either. Score one for Tricia.

The whole thing brought back so many memories, and it is amazing how seared those experiences are in my brain.  People say kids “should suck it up” and learn how to deal with teasing and abuse. First of all, bullying was bad when I was a kid, when anyone is a kid.  Imagine it now, in a world of social media, cell phones, and other avenues that didn't exist "back in the day." It is a whole different world out there. I do make Tricia handle some things on her own, and it has helped her develop amazing coping skills.  But some situations really just require more attention, and definitely some action.  No child should have to tolerate bullying.  It is scary, and worse yet, it is humiliating.  Humiliation does not build character. Humiliation tears out a child’s heart, and destroys their self-esteem.  Don’t agree with me? That’s ok, you don’t have to agree with one word of this.  But it will not be my child. I want her to grow up with a strong sense of who she is, and what she is capable of in her life.  I certainly will not allow some snot-nosed brat to take that away from her.  

I’ve said it to her a million times, “you won’t even remember these people when you get out of high school.”  But you know what? She will.  The thing I want her to remember is how she dealt with the situation, and more importantly, that she had the benefit of parents who love her that stood up for her, and protected her when the chips were down.  I think of all the kids over the past few years who ended their lives because they felt it was their only escape.  I never want that to be my child.  I don’t want it to be anyone’s child really. No child should feel that alone.

In a way, I feel sorry for Nick. He must have one hell of a family life to think that hitting or kicking a girl is ok.  I wonder how many times his father raised a hand to his mother, or a sibling, or to him. Bullies are usually crying out for someone, anyone to notice them.  Negative attention is better than no attention at all.  I’ll still have his ass arrested for assault if he lays a hand on my daughter again, but wouldn’t it be nice if every child could come from a home that sets a loving example for “how life is supposed to be”?  I know not every bully comes from a broken home, just as not every kid from a broken home becomes a bully.  Somewhere, somehow, the cycle needs to stop.  If it takes a village, then so be it.  Everyone should step up to the plate and protect those who cannot protect themselves.

I am very proud of my daughter.  She has the intestinal fortitude to not take someone else’s crap, and even though maybe it was not the “best” way to handle it, she was able to walk away knowing she did not let him have the upper hand.  She stood up for herself, and I have to believe she took something valuable away from that experience.  

I hope she always remembers that lesson.  Because as we all know, the bullies are there long after high school.

Hug your child tonight. Thanks.

Who needs Bounty paper towels? We're living in a world of the self-absorbed...

Dear Population under the age of 30,

While I understand that you are embroiled in a time of your life that is often difficult to navigate and fraught with philosophical twists and turns, I feel compelled to point out a number of factors which could, in the long run, make your life easier...or at least your parents’ lives easier. Please, don’t think I am talking down to you, or otherwise degrading you. I am simply stating what your parents are too afraid to say for fear that they will “injure your fragile self-esteem.” Rest assured, I have no vested interest in your self-esteem. I am merely exhausted from listening to your parents complain about what an ungrateful bunch of spoiled brats you are. I’ve also witnessed the behaviour of many of you firsthand, and sorry, but I am inclined to agree with their observations.

So here it goes…

1. While you may have been led to believe otherwise, you are NOT the only person in the universe. Indeed, you are not even the only person on Planet Earth. Look around, there are lots of other people who are pretty damn sure the universe is not revolving around you.

2. Good behavior is rewarded. Bad behavior is not rewarded. Do not expect to flunk out of college, then live at home rent-free, without a care in the world. The hot water for your three daily showers, electricity for your computer, tv and 20 tech gadgets, as well as food for your never-ending appetite all cost money...money your parents are tired of dishing out.

3. I don’t care how horrible you perceive your childhood to be. #1, it was not as bad as you think it was, and #2, get over it, we all came from dysfunctional families. Seriously, you think you have the lock on that one? It’s a big boat, and a lot of people on it. Time to take responsibility for your own actions. Stop blaming it on everyone else. If that’s bad, go get a good therapist.

4. Six figure incomes generally do not just fall into your lap like a gift from God. I know it’s hard to imagine, but in addition to a full-time job, you may need to find a PART-time job to supplement your income in order to afford anything close to the lifestyle to which you feel as though you deserve. It is not the responsibility of your parents to fund whatever you cannot afford. Figure it out or go without.

5. Driving is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT. If you speed, text behind the wheel, let your registration lapse, or otherwise do anything completely stupid with regard to your driving record, be prepared to pay the consequences. It is not the fault of your parents, the arresting officer, your drivers ed teacher, or the public at large. Pay the fine and learn from your mistake. Likewise, it is not the responsibility of your parents to pay your insurance so you can drive said car. If you cannot afford your insurance, then refer to Item #4 (the second job part.)

6. With age comes responsibility for your own actions. There is no shame in making mistakes, but for God’s sake, LEARN from your mistake. No one else is responsible for your screw-ups. It is all on you. If you do screw up, that does not mean your parents love you any less, but do not expect a big group hug and a rousing version of Kumbaya. Your parents will more than likely express their feelings about said screw-up, and will expect you to suffer the consequences. So man up, and move on.

7. Please try to at least attempt to act adult-like. No one expects you to be perfect, but for the most part, we all expect you to at least TRY to do the right thing.

8. Drugs are bad...ALWAYS, without exception.

9. When considering whether to continue smoking or quit, always pick QUIT. We’re tired to you smelling like an ashtray.

10. I know life seems like an unending DRAMA of the first magnitude when you are in your twenties, but trust the rest of us who have been there, it isn’t. You will survive, you will be stronger, and someday you will look back and think, “God, I was the most self-absorbed, self-centered person alive back then.” We will forgive you of this, since we were all in that moment, at one time or another. But in the meantime, please try to remember, there is more to life than you, your feelings, and your drama. Whatever drama you are inflicting on your parents, they are dealing with all of that PLUS their own. Dial back your expectations, please.

For those of you who think I’m being unduly harsh...please. I guess my exhaustion comes from the fact that there are a ridiculous amount of twenty-somethings (and younger) who have an overstated sense of entitlement. Personally, it kind of ticks me off. I’m not sure why so many young people today believe that they should get WHAT they want exactly WHEN they want it, simply because they exist. I had the time of my life in my twenties, and I made plenty of stupid mistakes. But one thing I can assure you, no one gave me anything. And it would have never even occurred to me to expect it,or even ask. Once you cross that line into adulthood, it’s all on you. If you have a support system to draw upon in times of sincere crisis, then that is truly wonderful, but don’t expect it. More often than not, in times of crisis, that is when you really learn how to be self-reliant. That is when you pick yourself up by the boot straps and find out what you’re made of. In the end, being self-reliant will make you feel so much better about yourself, your abilities, and who you are as a person. It’s called “growing up.”