Instead of the other way around.
I can remember every moment of the day my daughter was born. That day is deliciously etched into my memory. Then...I blinked. I flinched. My ADD kicked in and I was momentarily distracted. When I turned around, she was on the verge of being a teenager, and the world’s most naturally talented drama queen. I want those first years back, but they’re gone except in my mind's eye and in the million photos of her childhood, stored on a hard drive. Thank God for digital photography. Tricia’s life is well documented. National Geographic could not have done a finer job.
I’ve never been a doting mom, a fact my daughter will attest to without any hesitation. I was the mom who would brush off her little girl’s knee and wipe away tears after a spill at the playground, saying “There’s no blood, I think you’ll live.” It wasn’t always what my daughter wanted to hear, but today she is pretty tough kiddo who has learned that in life, just like on the jungle gym, falling down and getting hurt is part of the experience. It’s ok to feel bad, but it’s more important to pick yourself up and continue on your merry way.
The one thing most people will tell you about my parenting skills is that I am a tough mom. I don’t see it, but I’ve been told that enough times to think that it is at least a possibility, not that I care. Am I strict? You betcha (in my best Minnesota accent.) But what else can you do as a parent? There is so much "stuff" out there-really scary stuff-that can not just hurt your child, but take his or her life, and in an absolute instant. I am constantly trying to educate Tricia about such things, and help her to understand that while someday she will be an adult, and she will make her own choices, those choices will have consequences. There will be responsibility, and even more importantly, accountability. You can’t screw up and blame it on the rest of the world because, ultimately, you have to own the decisions that you make for yourself. And while it’s true that life can offer second and even third chances, other choices we make affect us forever. You don’t always get a do-over. She knows that while she will certainly make mistakes, the important thing is that she learns from those mistakes and moves in a positive direction. Our experiences make us who we are, even the bad ones. What you take away from those experiences will hopefully make you stronger, and that is the true lesson in all of it.
Watching another human being suffer is a very difficult thing, at least for those of us who are compassionate and caring individuals. Watching your child suffer is gutwrenching, often in ways that cannot even be put into words. I am fortunate in that my daughter is young and her experiences and mistakes are still pretty mild on the crap scale of life. I am also aware that, more than likely, this will not always be the case. I am constantly trying to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. We do not know what cards will be dealt to us as a parent, until they are on the table.
Being a parent is, by far, the hardest and most rewarding job I have ever had. Yes, some days it is frustrating, and some days it is heartbreaking, but every day it is so very rewarding. I see a lot of myself in Tricia – that can be a good and a bad thing. But what really counts is that I give her all the ammunition she needs to make solid responsible decisions for herself. It would be lovely if we could keep our kids under our wing forever, but it’s just not realistic. Better to make sure they are sufficiently armed to protect themselves, since we never really know how long we will be around to do the protecting.
Sorry for the seriousness today, it’s been a tough week, but one that has reminded me of how lucky I am to be Patricia’s mom.
Now go hug your kids.
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Who needs Bounty paper towels? We're living in a world of the self-absorbed...
Dear Population under the age of 30,
While I understand that you are embroiled in a time of your life that is often difficult to navigate and fraught with philosophical twists and turns, I feel compelled to point out a number of factors which could, in the long run, make your life easier...or at least your parents’ lives easier. Please, don’t think I am talking down to you, or otherwise degrading you. I am simply stating what your parents are too afraid to say for fear that they will “injure your fragile self-esteem.” Rest assured, I have no vested interest in your self-esteem. I am merely exhausted from listening to your parents complain about what an ungrateful bunch of spoiled brats you are. I’ve also witnessed the behaviour of many of you firsthand, and sorry, but I am inclined to agree with their observations.
So here it goes…
1. While you may have been led to believe otherwise, you are NOT the only person in the universe. Indeed, you are not even the only person on Planet Earth. Look around, there are lots of other people who are pretty damn sure the universe is not revolving around you.
2. Good behavior is rewarded. Bad behavior is not rewarded. Do not expect to flunk out of college, then live at home rent-free, without a care in the world. The hot water for your three daily showers, electricity for your computer, tv and 20 tech gadgets, as well as food for your never-ending appetite all cost money...money your parents are tired of dishing out.
3. I don’t care how horrible you perceive your childhood to be. #1, it was not as bad as you think it was, and #2, get over it, we all came from dysfunctional families. Seriously, you think you have the lock on that one? It’s a big boat, and a lot of people on it. Time to take responsibility for your own actions. Stop blaming it on everyone else. If that’s bad, go get a good therapist.
4. Six figure incomes generally do not just fall into your lap like a gift from God. I know it’s hard to imagine, but in addition to a full-time job, you may need to find a PART-time job to supplement your income in order to afford anything close to the lifestyle to which you feel as though you deserve. It is not the responsibility of your parents to fund whatever you cannot afford. Figure it out or go without.
5. Driving is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT. If you speed, text behind the wheel, let your registration lapse, or otherwise do anything completely stupid with regard to your driving record, be prepared to pay the consequences. It is not the fault of your parents, the arresting officer, your drivers ed teacher, or the public at large. Pay the fine and learn from your mistake. Likewise, it is not the responsibility of your parents to pay your insurance so you can drive said car. If you cannot afford your insurance, then refer to Item #4 (the second job part.)
6. With age comes responsibility for your own actions. There is no shame in making mistakes, but for God’s sake, LEARN from your mistake. No one else is responsible for your screw-ups. It is all on you. If you do screw up, that does not mean your parents love you any less, but do not expect a big group hug and a rousing version of Kumbaya. Your parents will more than likely express their feelings about said screw-up, and will expect you to suffer the consequences. So man up, and move on.
7. Please try to at least attempt to act adult-like. No one expects you to be perfect, but for the most part, we all expect you to at least TRY to do the right thing.
8. Drugs are bad...ALWAYS, without exception.
9. When considering whether to continue smoking or quit, always pick QUIT. We’re tired to you smelling like an ashtray.
10. I know life seems like an unending DRAMA of the first magnitude when you are in your twenties, but trust the rest of us who have been there, it isn’t. You will survive, you will be stronger, and someday you will look back and think, “God, I was the most self-absorbed, self-centered person alive back then.” We will forgive you of this, since we were all in that moment, at one time or another. But in the meantime, please try to remember, there is more to life than you, your feelings, and your drama. Whatever drama you are inflicting on your parents, they are dealing with all of that PLUS their own. Dial back your expectations, please.
For those of you who think I’m being unduly harsh...please. I guess my exhaustion comes from the fact that there are a ridiculous amount of twenty-somethings (and younger) who have an overstated sense of entitlement. Personally, it kind of ticks me off. I’m not sure why so many young people today believe that they should get WHAT they want exactly WHEN they want it, simply because they exist. I had the time of my life in my twenties, and I made plenty of stupid mistakes. But one thing I can assure you, no one gave me anything. And it would have never even occurred to me to expect it,or even ask. Once you cross that line into adulthood, it’s all on you. If you have a support system to draw upon in times of sincere crisis, then that is truly wonderful, but don’t expect it. More often than not, in times of crisis, that is when you really learn how to be self-reliant. That is when you pick yourself up by the boot straps and find out what you’re made of. In the end, being self-reliant will make you feel so much better about yourself, your abilities, and who you are as a person. It’s called “growing up.”
While I understand that you are embroiled in a time of your life that is often difficult to navigate and fraught with philosophical twists and turns, I feel compelled to point out a number of factors which could, in the long run, make your life easier...or at least your parents’ lives easier. Please, don’t think I am talking down to you, or otherwise degrading you. I am simply stating what your parents are too afraid to say for fear that they will “injure your fragile self-esteem.” Rest assured, I have no vested interest in your self-esteem. I am merely exhausted from listening to your parents complain about what an ungrateful bunch of spoiled brats you are. I’ve also witnessed the behaviour of many of you firsthand, and sorry, but I am inclined to agree with their observations.
So here it goes…
1. While you may have been led to believe otherwise, you are NOT the only person in the universe. Indeed, you are not even the only person on Planet Earth. Look around, there are lots of other people who are pretty damn sure the universe is not revolving around you.
2. Good behavior is rewarded. Bad behavior is not rewarded. Do not expect to flunk out of college, then live at home rent-free, without a care in the world. The hot water for your three daily showers, electricity for your computer, tv and 20 tech gadgets, as well as food for your never-ending appetite all cost money...money your parents are tired of dishing out.
3. I don’t care how horrible you perceive your childhood to be. #1, it was not as bad as you think it was, and #2, get over it, we all came from dysfunctional families. Seriously, you think you have the lock on that one? It’s a big boat, and a lot of people on it. Time to take responsibility for your own actions. Stop blaming it on everyone else. If that’s bad, go get a good therapist.
4. Six figure incomes generally do not just fall into your lap like a gift from God. I know it’s hard to imagine, but in addition to a full-time job, you may need to find a PART-time job to supplement your income in order to afford anything close to the lifestyle to which you feel as though you deserve. It is not the responsibility of your parents to fund whatever you cannot afford. Figure it out or go without.
5. Driving is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT. If you speed, text behind the wheel, let your registration lapse, or otherwise do anything completely stupid with regard to your driving record, be prepared to pay the consequences. It is not the fault of your parents, the arresting officer, your drivers ed teacher, or the public at large. Pay the fine and learn from your mistake. Likewise, it is not the responsibility of your parents to pay your insurance so you can drive said car. If you cannot afford your insurance, then refer to Item #4 (the second job part.)
6. With age comes responsibility for your own actions. There is no shame in making mistakes, but for God’s sake, LEARN from your mistake. No one else is responsible for your screw-ups. It is all on you. If you do screw up, that does not mean your parents love you any less, but do not expect a big group hug and a rousing version of Kumbaya. Your parents will more than likely express their feelings about said screw-up, and will expect you to suffer the consequences. So man up, and move on.
7. Please try to at least attempt to act adult-like. No one expects you to be perfect, but for the most part, we all expect you to at least TRY to do the right thing.
8. Drugs are bad...ALWAYS, without exception.
9. When considering whether to continue smoking or quit, always pick QUIT. We’re tired to you smelling like an ashtray.
10. I know life seems like an unending DRAMA of the first magnitude when you are in your twenties, but trust the rest of us who have been there, it isn’t. You will survive, you will be stronger, and someday you will look back and think, “God, I was the most self-absorbed, self-centered person alive back then.” We will forgive you of this, since we were all in that moment, at one time or another. But in the meantime, please try to remember, there is more to life than you, your feelings, and your drama. Whatever drama you are inflicting on your parents, they are dealing with all of that PLUS their own. Dial back your expectations, please.
For those of you who think I’m being unduly harsh...please. I guess my exhaustion comes from the fact that there are a ridiculous amount of twenty-somethings (and younger) who have an overstated sense of entitlement. Personally, it kind of ticks me off. I’m not sure why so many young people today believe that they should get WHAT they want exactly WHEN they want it, simply because they exist. I had the time of my life in my twenties, and I made plenty of stupid mistakes. But one thing I can assure you, no one gave me anything. And it would have never even occurred to me to expect it,or even ask. Once you cross that line into adulthood, it’s all on you. If you have a support system to draw upon in times of sincere crisis, then that is truly wonderful, but don’t expect it. More often than not, in times of crisis, that is when you really learn how to be self-reliant. That is when you pick yourself up by the boot straps and find out what you’re made of. In the end, being self-reliant will make you feel so much better about yourself, your abilities, and who you are as a person. It’s called “growing up.”
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