A woman's guide to spring cleaning...

Housecleaning…it happens when the warm breezes of spring beg us to open our windows and let in just a bit of freshness to air out the mustiness of winter. We begin the ritual of tossing out the old to make room for the new, or simply purge the unnecessary. I’m a firm believer in purging that which has grown tired or useless, worn or dated. Honestly, other than my most favorite shoes or those vintage and classic pieces that are truly timeless, there is little I hang onto in my life. If it hasn’t seen the outside of my closet in more than two years, then off it goes to the nearest Goodwill store.

I’m finding that as I get older, relationships are another thing that I need to purge on a somewhat regular basis. Friendships are often like fashion – trendy and fun at the time, but increasingly tiresome as you move through the seasons of life. Sometimes you realize that you have simply outgrown the relationship. Other times it is more a function of putting more energy into it than you are ever going to get out of it. My rule is no emotional vampires, something you really have to watch out for these days. As I have often said, who needs “the quicker picker upper” when you’re living in the world of the self-absorbed. These clueless individuals are the ones that spend 95% of their time trying to decide if you, as a friend, are worth any kind of effort and what exactly might they “be getting out of it” on the other side. They suck the air out of a room from the moment they walk through the door, leaving everyone else gasping for whatever oxygen is left. Sad that there are those that base their relationships on what they need, rather than what they can give. Those of us who have been around the block more than a few times realize that it is never about what you can get, but what you can give. The more you give, the more you receive in ways you never even imagined. I’m sad for those that never get to experience such friendships, and count myself as lucky that I have so many people in my life who are such giving souls. We sustain each other through the bad times, and they make the good times so much more worthwhile.

I had the opportunity to spend an hour or so with one such person this past weekend. I consider her much like a sister, and as is the case with my sister, I never get to see her enough. But every time we get together, it is like picking up right where we left off. We are polar opposites on the political scale (although I am closer to center than she thinks I am) but very similar in our outlook on life. I wish it could have been a longer visit. I wish she lived closer. But I’ll take what I can get when it comes to spending time with her, and I will always cherish whatever time we share. Thanks Annessa, for being such a kind, compassionate and wonderful woman. You make my life richer, just by being in it.

I’ve met several other women over the past six months, as well as rekindled relationships with several others that I have known for the better part of my 46 years. Each has proven to me that there are indeed still really great women left in the world. Several of them would describe themselves as “low-maintenance”, and in fact they are. We get together when we can, and rarely make unnecessary demands on each other. I’m happy to stroke their egos, but it isn’t required. They are secure enough in themselves to know that no amount of ego-stroking from others can make up for the fact that self-love and security come from within. They don’t spend endless amounts of time comparing themselves to other women, and they are not in the habit of putting down others on a nearly constant basis. When we are together, we laugh a lot, appreciate each other, along with our own individual beauty and talents, and we care for each other - more deeply each time we are in each other’s company. These are the friendships you never throw away, for they will sustain you through your life. These are the friendships that one should always treat as a beautiful garden, one that requires watering and weeding, care and love. Thank you to each of you and know that I consider you a true blessing. You give me hope that there are still those who truly care for others and are willing to make the commitment to family and friendships without ridiculous expectations. I look forward to many moments and shared experiences, both good and bad, that draw us closer together.

I guess what I am trying to say is don’t be apprehensive about “spring cleaning” your life, even metaphorically. While it is often scary to throw out that which is familiar, clearly there is no value in holding onto that which is not working for you in your life. Often times, there in the pile of crap at the bottom of your closet, you find something even more precious just waiting for you in that beautiful unopened box.

The view from the back of the room...

When you are sitting in meetings for two days – mostly at the back of the room –listening to speaker after speaker talking about things you really have little interest in, it gives you some time to not only think about things, but really gain some perspective on life, and all that it throws at you. Over the past two days of mind-numbing meetings, I have thought long and hard about friends, family, people I miss in my life. I have decided there is much I need to step back from, and re-evaluate. I think somewhere I lost a bit of my focus...time to get back on track...time to reflect on the value add of the relationships in my life. Those that add value are worth keeping. Those that don’t really do need to go.

Mostly I found myself dumbfounded by the inability of people around me to see beyond the end of their own nose. It’s so easy to become so wrapped up in our own little world, our comfort zone, our bubble. Not to say I have not been guilty of this from time to time, but I have always tried to be the kind of person who is there for others regardless of the personal cost. That being said, sometimes events happen that make me realize that while it is absolutely “the right thing to do” by making yourself available to others in whatever capacity they may need you, it is also important to remember two things – first of all, just because you make it a point to always be there for everyone else, to expect others to be there for you is tantamount to setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. Secondly, people are by and large all about themselves, and expect everyone else in the world to be “about them” too. When called upon by someone who is in need of assistance, they may make an effort, but only to the point where it does not affect them in any meaningful way. Once another individual’s needs impede on their time, or their perceived lifestyle, that is generally when the door slams shut and they have no time to honestly be there for anyone else. My mistake? I have spent a lifetime putting others first (against the advice of my mother, who was totally right about this one) and in the end, when I have felt that I was in need, or wished for someone, anyone, to give a crap about what was happening in my life, the disappointment was huge, leaving a hole in my soul, and forcing me to look at my friendships in a light that is let's just say very unflattering. Mostly, when this happens, I tend to never look at those people in the same way again, which would explain why I keep so few people close to me, and why I have so little trust in others. When countless people have pissed on you only to tell you it's raining, your patience for such behavior becomes thin. There is, however, a very important lesson in all of this, and that is while it is tempting to always put the needs of others ahead of your own, it is so crucial, in the name of self-preservation, to always keep something for yourself. People can be emotional vampires, sucking the life from you at any opportunity. Always hold that bit of reserve energy close to your heart for your own sanity. You never know when you will have to save yourself.

The one thing that all of this has taught me is that self-sufficiency is the most important gift we can give to ourselves. This alleviates situations concerning friendships that turn out to be a disappointment. I fear it has also hardened my heart in some ways, I must admit. I tend to never rely on anyone for anything, not even those who are closest to me. I have never asked for financial assistance, and rarely look to others to prop me up emotionally. Self-sufficiency can be a pretty lonely spot, lemme tell ya. I keep hoping I will find that one person who will prove me wrong, besides my family or Bill, but maybe my bar is just too high. I think I know one or two people who might possibly be the exception. Time will tell I suppose.

I also realized, while sitting in the back of the room, that I need to put some focus on people and friendships that I have left fall by the wayside. These are people I shared great moments with in the past, who have reached out to me in the hopes of rekindling a friendship. I need to at least entertain the thought of the possibility. I am at least hopeful that it will not prove to be a waste of my time. Such was the case this past weekend. I was allowed to share some really wonderful moments with a friend that I rarely get to see. It was a gentle and wonderful reminder of what a good woman she is, and how lucky I am to have her in my life. Her friendship is truly a gift. Thank you, Annessa.

Likewise, I think I have spent too much time putting some people ahead of those two people closest to me - Bill and my daughter Tricia. I’m not sure how I could have let such a thing happen, but it is the one thing that I am sure needs to be corrected. I am so blessed to have Bill and Tricia there with me, always in my corner, always cheering me on. They are, along with my family, the ones who keep me grounded and centered. So many other people can be such a distraction from the things that are really important in this world. I owe it to Bill, Tricia and my family to always make them the priority in my life.

So while on the surface, time at the back of the room may seem like a bit of a waste, in the end, it was the perfect time to reflect, nearly without distraction, on where my focus needs to be. I feel as though this new perspective is a treasure, one that I will try not to waste.