Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says "Oh shit, she's awake."

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

On turning 50...

Some occasions require quiet moments of reflection.  Such is the case on the eve of my half century birthday.   So…what did I actually learn over these past 50 years?  Obviously this list could be a LOT longer, but then you would all get bored, or think I was Dali Llama or something (joking, I'm not that deep.)  Anyway, here is my top 50...

  1. High school sucks.  Don’t let anyone ever tell you “they are the best years of your life.”  They are full of shit…fact.
  2. You are going to make stupid mistakes.  Accept them. Own them, then move on.  Your past is your past for a reason.
  3. The person in the room with the biggest ego and/or mouth is usually the one who is most insecure.
  4. Shoulder pads are a bad idea.  Always.  So are leg warmers unless you are a dancer.
  5. The older you get, the dumber everyone younger than you looks.  You’re not smarter, but you sure the hell are wiser.  Give them a break. They just haven’t caught up with you yet.
  6. Your twenties are amazing.  You will do things you should have been dead for doing.  You will drink too much and never have a hangover.  You will be shameless AND thoughtless in your actions – all at the same time.  Your twenties are your wreckless years, and you pretty much get a pass, so enjoy them.  Two words...NO REGRETS.  (By the way, after 30, hangovers SUCK.)
  7. You never forget your first love, especially if he is worth remembering.
  8. Take care of your health.  Your body will thank you later.
  9. Drinking and horsebacking riding simultaneously is a really bad idea. Speaking from experience here.
  10. Some men are just assholes.  They will break your heart with total disregard.  Stay away from these losers.  They are so not worth your time.
  11. Procrastination just makes the inevitable more painful.  Knock it out, get it done, and then relax. 
  12. Your mother was right.  Pretty much about everything.
  13. No one will ever take the place of your parents.  They are and always have been your biggest champions.  P.S.  The older you get, the more you realize they were never dumb.  You were just an asshole.
  14. If you are lucky, your siblings will be among your best friends.  I am blessed.  My two brothers and sister are amazing.
  15. There is a time and a place for everything.  Wearing a bikini to the beach (or anywhere for that matter) when you have clearly packed on ten pounds over the winter is never the time or the place.  There will be photos. You will hate them.
  16. Remember when you thought you were butt ugly in high school, and you would never have a boyfriend?  You weren’t ugly, and you will have a boyfriend eventually. Hopefully he won’t be an asshole (please see #10.)   So, for the love God, quit worrying.
  17. Pick a profession you love.  You will have to go to work every day for a VERY long time.  There is nothing worse than having to go to a job you hate.
  18. There is always one person at work who will march right over you to get ahead.  Watch your back.
  19. Everyone picks their nose in their car.  Remember, you’re not invisible.
  20. If a guy puts up with your shit, and is still smiling at the end of the day, he’s a keeper.
  21. Get a college education.  You may think you can slide by without one, but getting your degree will make things easier.
  22. On the same note, study HARD, do your best, but always leave a little time for fun. 
  23. The color orange looks good on very few people.  You are probably not one of them.
  24. Be thoughtful.  Keep a calendar with your family and friend’s birthdays.  Send a card…not a facebook message, not a text…A CARD, by U.S. Postal Service.  Everyone loves getting cards.  P.S. always keep stamps on hand.
  25. Hanging out in your pajamas and drinking coffee on Sunday morning is one of life’s little pleasures.  So is eating takeout chinese food naked in bed after sex.
  26. Save for vacations.  Travel.  See the world.  In spite of all the crap that happens, it’s still a beautiful and magical place, this big blue marble of ours.
  27. Animals love you unconditionally and ask for nothing in return.  So always be responsible for your pets.  They really are family.
  28. As you age, current songs on the radio sound like crap (except for Bruno Mars - he will always be awesome.)  I will forever be a child of the 70’s and 80’s music scenes.  Don’t even get me started on rap or hip hop. 
  29. The drunker you get, the more you think you are the world’s greatest dancer.
  30. Only marry for love.  Marrying for anything else is not an option.  It took me three tries, but I finally got it right.  I love you to the moon and back, Bill Tucker.
  31. It is ok if you don’t want to procreate.  Kids aren’t for everyone.  But, if you do have children, they will be your greatest joy and accomplishment…and your biggest pain in the ass.
  32. I should have recorded every sermon my mother ever gave me.  Now that I have my own daughter, I sound just like my mother, and I mean JUST LIKE HER.
  33. No good comes from gossip.  You’re going to do it.  Everyone does.  But honestly, nothing good ever comes from rumors and innuendo, and in the end, someone usually gets hurt.
  34. New York City is the greatest city on earth. Period.  If you don’t like NYC, then obviously your time there was poorly planned.  And if you can, take the train.  It’s really the only way to travel.
  35. Taking the time to put on makeup before you go to the grocery store is a good idea.  You never know who you will run into while you’re in the produce section.
  36. Just because someone does not agree with you does not mean they are wrong.  Let it go.  You’re never going to change their mind anyway.
  37. Never underestimate the value of your girlfriends.  They will always help you through the hard times, and celebrate your happy times.
  38. You CAN be too old to wear a miniskirt, no matter how rockin’ your body is.  By the way, same rule goes for yoga pants that say “Luscious” or “Juicy” across the butt.  As a matter of fact, NEVER wear those.
  39. Have the courage to stand up for your convictions.  You will sleep better at night if you know at the very least you were true to your own heart. Screw everyone else who told you otherwise.
  40. Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a nice car to sit in while you are busy being miserable.  Along those lines, while it is true that money can be dangerous, people get “drunk” more quickly on power.
  41. Never underestimate to pure deliciousness of cheesecake, pie, cookies, cake and ice cream...and chocolate.
  42. Real Christmas trees smell great but you’ll be picking needles out of your carpeting for six months out of the year.
  43. When in doubt, order a martini.  Likewise, life is too short to drink cheap wine.
  44. Be kind to people, always.  People always remember kindness… BUT
  45. Don’t be a doormat.  People will happily wipe their boots on you as long as you let them. People just suck that way.  It's usually not intentional, it's just human nature.
  46. Always take time for yourself – no matter how busy you are.  The kids, the job, the husband, the obligations...they will always be there, waiting, but clearly your sanity will leave you completely if you don’t take a moment to be your own best company.  
  47. A clean house is not the most important thing in the world. If you don’t dust for two weeks, really, who cares?  The flip side of that coin is that no one likes a slob or a hoarder.  Pretty soon you're on an episode of TLC's "Hoarders" and your friends and family are mortified.  It's OK to throw shit out...I promise.  You won't even miss it.  If you haven't looked at it in two years, DITCH IT.
  48. Nothing comes before family. Nothing.  That being said, there is absolutely no reason why your best friends can’t be considered family as well.
  49. Growing old is not the worst thing.  Being dead…that is the worst thing.
  50. Life is short, too short.  The older you get the faster the years go by, and I mean exponentially.  People will move far away.  People will die.  So always remember to say I love you.  You never know when it will be your last chance.  Cherish and treasure those who are close to you.  Every moment counts.

One of my favorite quotes is from the late, great Nora Ephram, who said “In fact, looking back, it seems to me I was clueless until I was about 50 years old.” As for me, can totally relate to that.  I feel a whole lot smarter now than I did 25 years ago, even ten years ago.  I see the world differently, but I have always tried to look at it with wonder and a sense of humor.  It helps a lot, especially when you start to lose faith in humanity.

My other favorite quote is "Life should be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved boy, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOOHOO what a ride!"  That is how I live my life. Every. Single. Day.  I turned out ok (although there were moments when it was a bit iffy) so no reason to stop now.  So for those of you who plan on being with me for the next fifty years…hold on tight, and we can enjoy the ride together.

I love you all so very much.  For those who have been in my life through good times, and bad times, too, thanks for the memories.  You've made life that much sweeter.


  1. Number 12 is my favorite. Nice blog. Happy Birthday! I think there should be one about how awesome cousins are, even if they start debates on your posts.