Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says "Oh shit, she's awake."

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Do these jeans make my ass look big?

So you know me…a fashionista, trendsetter, someone who likes to be elegant but with an edge.  I figure that I have the rest of my life to wear sensible shoes and pants that allow for “movement.”  But not yet, not now.  Currently I am in a “celebrate my age” frame of mind.  And that was exactly the thought I had on my brain as I meandered through a certain store (which shall remain nameless – I do not want to disclose all my discount shopping secrets.)  I needed to get out and stretch my legs, as well as my brain on my lunch break. What better way to do so than to rummage through clearance racks in search of the next great wardrobe find.

I was actually searching for a new shirt of two – something in another color besides black – to add to my spring collection.  There were a couple that caught my eye, but nothing that had the “wow” factor I was hoping for.  Still, I was enjoying the experience and continued onto the “jeans” aisle.

Now, let me start off by saying I have been perusing Vogue and InStyle magazine for months now, and I have really been digging the whole “colored jeans” trend.  But it does sort of scare me.  It would definitely require me to step out of my comfort zone, something I am not always good at doing.  This is probably why most of my closet is varying shades of black.  Black is safe, black is elegant. Black makes me look ten pounds thinner instantly, and I LOVE that about black. But there are days when I just wish for something bright and colourful, something that says “gutsy” and “fearless.” And while I do have a rather large collection of Hawaiian print sundresses, they are really more for “hanging out” not “letting it all hang out.” Besides, sundresses are seasonal.  They don’t count.

I was sifting through my designated size area for jeans (because I can never have enough jeans) and there they were, hanging there just waiting for me – BRIGHT RED SKINNY JEANS.  Not just any red, but truly a red that would make your eyes burn if you stared at them too long. And to add to my luck, they were Michael Kors, one of my very favorite designers, my go-to guy who always makes clothes that flatter me, even on my fattest of fat days.  I looked around suspiciously. Surely someone else would be eyeing these beauties for their own closet. Quickly I dashed to my favorite spot, the dressing room. This was going to be awesome.

I wiggled out of my very boring blue jeans and began wiggling my way into the red skinny dream jeans…wiggling…wiggling…wow, they are even skinnier than most skinny jeans. I finished pulling them up, buttoned and zipped them, and stood back to look in the mirror.  MOTHER OF GOD it was maybe the scariest thing I had ever seen. I looked like some sort of weird circus midget (not that I have anything against midgets.)  The only things that were missing were some Ronald McDonald shoes and one of the rainbow/afro clown wigs.  I had no idea that any color could make anyone look like…well…I’m not even sure how to describe it.  For those who know me, it is no secret that at 5’2”, I am hardly blessed with ANY kind of stature.  But these jeans made me look half my regular height.  I turned around and tried to get a view of the back.  My ass literally looked so big it would require its own zipcode if I ever left the dressing room.  Clearly, these jeans were meant for someone about 5’10” and 110 lbs, and blonde. (The color did nothing for my red locks either.) I was a washed out, apple shaped hot mess.  I quickly removed them and decided it was NOT me, it was the jeans, and that is why they were on a clearance rack.  Shame on you, Michael Kors.  I hurried out to the rack and found a pair of dark wash flare leg jeans to try on…if for no other reason than to assure myself that indeed I had not put on 50 pounds since yesterday.  And I was immediately soothed by what I saw in the mirror.  It WAS the red jeans…damn you Michael Kors…damn you to fashion hell.

So to this trend I say “SCREW colored jeans! Screw the whole colorblock trend!”  If I want to try to wear something in the colorblock genre, I shall wear varying shades of black.  That is as good as it will get.  Truth be told, I’m still waiting for the whole 80s Eurotrash look to come back into vogue.  God knows I’ll be stylin’ then!

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