Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says "Oh shit, she's awake."

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I'm all blocked up...

Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.  It has been THREE WEEKS since my last blog entry.

Sorry guys.  I’ve tried.  I wanted to write a blog  - something witty, articulate, maybe just a touch sarcastic.  Alas, I have been unable to come up with a literary masterpiece that involves any of those adjectives.  Having writer’s block is very much like being constipated.  You try your best, but no matter how hard you push, you’re left sitting there thinking to yourself  “I got nothing.”

I think part of the problem is there really just hasn’t been anything all that earth-shattering going on in my life.  Work is crazy.  Life at home is busy, but really, nothing noteworthy.  Oh, there have been moments.  I’ve run across my share of dumbasses, sociopathic narcissists silently (or not so silently) screaming for attention, brilliant flashes of complete and utter absurdity, but seriously, nothing all that inspiring.  I haven’t found myself off the hook angry, incredibly amused, or caught up in the irony of life.  Sad for someone who loves to wax poetic about such moments.  I enjoy writing about the humor in everyday life.  In fact, people often tell I’m funny.  They want me to be funny.  Often they leave the conversation confused, or disappointed, or both.

Annoying Person - “Say something funny.”

Me - “No, not right now.”

Annoying Person - “No really, you’re soooo funny.”

Me - “Honestly, I’m just not feeling it.”

Annoying Person -  “Please, anything…”

Me - “You’re an annoying asshole.”

Annoying Person - “That’s not funny.”

Me - “I thought it was HILARIOUS.”

End of conversation.  Generally speaking, I usually don’t end having these people as friends, not that it’s any great loss.

I did have a moment recently while on a business trip that at first left me speechless, then left me shaking my head in something between disbelief and amusement. I was sitting at a rather large business dinner, happily sucking down a glass of wine and wondering if there would be anything chocolate-related for dessert.  The gentleman to my left, who was actually quite witty and an inspired conversationalist, leaned over and said in a voice just above a whisper “I’ve read your blog.”  My first thought was to down the glass of wine and abruptly leave.  Instead, I sat there stunned, with a look on my face which must have conveyed my sheer horror, because the next thing out of his mouth was “Mary is going to kill me for telling you that we read it.  But you know, you’re a very talented writer.”  My look of horror must have softened, but I decided a refill on the wine would probably be a good idea. My first response was my total surprise that he actually found it, because I write under a pseudonym and I am obsessive about not mixing work with my personal life, and for good reason, not to mention the fact that my blog is very personal. I asked him which blog he read, and he responded “the one about the red boots.” Crap. Out of all the blogs I’ve written, I would have hoped it would not have been THAT one.  Ok, the rouse is up. Busted.  Now the world knows I’m a functioning alcoholic, with a penchant for the word f***.  He reassured me that he found it a great read, and again complimented my literary prowess – a pretty strong seal of approval, considering he is a communications director for a lobbying association.  I relaxed and decided what the hell.  I am who I am. Yes I say f***, f***er, f***ed – a lot – and yes, I drink...often.  Shocking, I know.  Most of my friends will read this and think “This is a surprise?”

Speaking of drinking, St. Patrick’s Day was wicked fun.  I’d tell you all about it, but then my friends would kill me.  Yes, there are photos. No I can’t show you…unless you give me cash.

Ok, so let’s review.  I’ve compared writer’s block to constipation.  I’ve dissed dumbasses, attention-seeking sociopathic narcissists, and annoying individuals.  I’ve said f*** in some form at least three times (actually four times.) I breezed over my St. Patrick’s Day antics. And we now know there are certain people reading my blog, and not the particularly favorable entries.  Wow, after reviewing, it seems I don’t have writer’s block.  I have writer’s attention deficit disorder.

Oh look…a puppy!


  1. I found the sample conversation with Annoying Person most hilarious! At the same time I found myself shaking my head and wishing for your sake Annoying Person would walk away. I do recall making you laugh your ass off once this week but alas it was not in person. I have a feeling your Sunday will be filled with new opportunities to see some everyday humor! xoxo

  2. Thanks for not posting up pics!! LOL Love your blog! YOU ROCK!!