I don’t fit into the mold of a certain “type” of woman. I never have. I used to think that it was me, that it was a bad thing. I thought that for years. I saw the way people looked at me, and I wished I could be different. But I am a woman dictated by my emotions. I feel what I feel, and I am very bad at faking it.
It’s difficult to always feel like you are on the outside looking in - the different one, the one who just has something wrong with her. I really tried to be just like everyone else, I really did. And then, I would fail miserably, which allowed the depression to kick in, rendering me completely useless for weeks, sometimes months. I am excellent at withdrawing from life, pulling shut all the curtains, crawling into my bed and refusing to venture out for any reason. Or, as my manic side would sometimes dictate, squirreling myself away with my paintbrushes to paint – all hours of the day, sometimes seemingly non-stop. Yes, I am probably unmedicated to some degree. It’s ok. I’ve been medicated sufficiently before and it was miserable. I hate not feeling anything at all, so I will deal with myself just they way I am.
So (there is actually a point to all of this) when people hurt me, it cuts to the bone. They may not mean it. They may not realize they are even doing it. But it happens, and when it does it is painful in ways that physical injury is not. One thing I have discovered is that most hurt stems from people trying to exercise control over your life. So today, when someone I care for lashed out accusing me (albeit passive aggressively) of failing as a family member (not my own family by the way) I was devastated. For years, I have tried so hard to please this person, and now I realize that it didn’t matter. No matter what I would have done, the outcome would have been the same, because I had deprived her of control. And she would never forgive me of that. My first reaction was anger, then hurt, then utter heartache. Again, I had failed in my efforts, even though there was really no way I would have done the right thing in her eyes, other than to completely set aside everything that is important to me, in order to handle what she deemed important.
It’s always worse when this crap happens around the holidays, but inevitably it does. It sucks the life right out of you, makes you feel like inadequate, unwanted, unnecessary. The one thing that keeps me from falling down the rabbit hole is the fact that I have this incredible network of friends who would walk on fire to be there for me, in whatever they could. I also have my daughter and my own family, and they are more precious than gold. They don’t always understand me, but they always believe in me…daughter, friends, family…and in the end, they always save my heart and my soul.
I know this has not been the cheeriest of blogs, but sometimes the best thing a person can do is empty their heart onto a piece of paper. It’s cleansing, cathartic, a spiritual experience. For me, it helps me to understand myself a bit better, without paying a therapist (I’ve done that enough in my life.) So thank you for listening, for caring and for being supportive. You know who you are, and I love you with all my heart.
Next blog will be funny, I promise.