I have forgotten how to breathe.
Not in a literal sense, but the art of being able to slow down long enough to simply take in the air, let it out, and relax. I’ve become accustomed to moving at such a rapid pace all of the time, that I have literally forgotten how to enjoy the moment. I miss those moments.
When did life become such a conglomeration of chaotic interactions, stitched together with all the things that drive us crazy, such as the endless list of tasks that are unfinished, birthdays that were forgotten, phone calls that never seem to get made. I’ve become so inherently bad at remembering anything, that I am start to wonder if I have early onset Alzheimer’s. I never expected to have “senior moments” at 46 years old, but they happen with alarming frequency these days, causing me to write everything down on haphazard slips of paper, or leave myself notes on my cellphone. A fair amount of stuff just falls through the cracks.
I can remember when sitting in my living room and having a cup of tea while picking up my latest knitting project was one of the great joys in my life. Or filling the tub with hot water and Mr. Bubble, and slipping in with a glass of wine was pure unadultered heaven. Those peaceful snippets of relaxation have all but disappeared from my day to day existence. It’s my fault, really. I could still have those moments if I would simply stop scheduling my life from sun up to sundown, and started leaving some open time on my Outlook calendar. I am missing those quiet times with Bill as well. Our weekends are packed with social obligations, household to-do lists, and running around in all directions. I remember when we used to just take a nap together. We haven’t done that in months. Well, he has napped, but I’ve been too busy to nap. Again, my fault, not his. I should make more time for the man I love. It’s so easy to think “we have the rest of our lives” but the truth is, if we don’t make up our minds to make the time now, one day we’ll open our eyes and there will be no more time.
I think, this year I will make a heartfelt New Year’s resolution to SLOW DOWN. I need to reclaim my “me” time, my “Bill” time, and my “Tricia” time. I want to be able to stop and focus on the little things, because in the end, it’s only the little things that matter – the softness of my daughter’s hair on my face when she hugs me, the sound Bill’s snoring when he’s sleeping. I want more long weekends to walk the beach, and less of the constant hustle and bustle that fills my days.
I think it’s a good New Year’s resolution, one that matters, and one that will add immeasurable joy to my life. Most importantly, it will make a difference to the people I love the most.