Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says "Oh shit, she's awake."

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

All I Want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written, in fact it’s been since I sent my “I WANT” letter last year. I apologize for not keeping in touch, but it’s hard to find five free minutes on any given day, what with all the screaming at my daughter to clean her room and trying to get the endless pile of laundry done. I’m sure you’re busy as well, so let’s not dwell upon the fact that I have neglected our relationship. I’m sure you’ve had more important things to be concerned about, such as keeping those pesky elves out of the spiked eggnog, and making sure the reindeer don’t shit in the front yard. I know those two points would be at the top of my list of endless crap to worry about if I were you. I saw you at the mall last weekend. Looks like you’ve been hitting the cookies a bit too hard, and the liquor too. (I believe you’ve gone from rosy-cheeked to full on “gin bloom.) You might want to cut back on both…just me being concerned about your well-being. See how caring I am? I’m not always a bitch.

This year, I’ve compiled a very concise list of things that I would like for Christmas. My letter to you last year was quite “wordy” and mostly I just bitched about all the stupid things and stupid people that annoy me on a constant basis. By the way, thanks a lot. I asked for patience last Christmas. All I got was another set of bath products and a jolly “good luck with the patience thing.” Way to go. Thankfully I killed no one this past year, which I think should automatically put me on the “good list”. Go ahead, argue that point as much as you want, but in the end, you know you did not keep up your end of the bargain. Oh, and I hate bath products that smell like cupcakes. Cupcakes are for eating, unless, of course, you have someone fun to lick them off of you.

Anyway, here is a sampling of all that I am longing for. Feel free to pick and choose as you like.

1. I would like my daughter to stop rolling her eyes every time I ask her to hold up her end of the household chores. I would also like her to stop acting as if I have no brain in my head. I’ve gotten this far in life, so I am fairly certain that I am not an idiot. She would be well-served to take note.

2. I would like to stop putting on exactly two pounds every single freaking weekend. My eating habits during the week are about the healthiest out of anyone I know. I should be rewarded for my efforts by being able to eat and drink whatever the hell I want Friday night through Sunday afternoon. I hate having to lose two pounds every damn week...annoying.

3. I would like the work week shortened to three days. Seriously, don’t you think everyone would be a lot less stressed if we simply had a four day weekend and a three day work week? The mental health benefit alone makes it worth a try.

4. I would like a year’s supply of duct tape. There are too many people that I run into on a day to day basis that really just need to shut up. Telling them this doesn’t seem to help, and a smack upside the head is equally ineffective. So I am thinking that perhaps a good strong piece of duct tape across their flappy lips would be useful. I know my ears would LOVE it.

5. I would like Justin Beiber, Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga to just go away. Forever.

6. I would like a year’s supply of wine. Good wine. I’m tired of being relegated to the cheap stuff. You can also drop off a few bottles of Pinnacle Whipped Vodka. While you’re at it, drop some off at my friends’ houses too. They keep drinking all of mine.

7. I would like the Kardashians’ television show to be cancelled on E!. You can drop that bimbo Kendra as well. I’d like more E! True Hollywood stories, and I don’t mean about the Kardashians…or Kendra. Let’s try to take it up a notch, shall we? We’re all stocked up on shows about rich useless dumbasses.

8. I would like a one year unlimited subscription to TouchTunes. That way I can play Andy Gibb’s “Shadowdancing” as many times in a row as I want on the local jukeboxes from my phone, which will drive my friend Rich out of his mind. It’s one of my most favorite things to watch. I’m waiting for his head to explode.

9. I would like a “free weekend” – one that I can use any way I want without any demands on my time. I’d like to specifically spend it watching Law & Order SVU or Criminal Minds...naked and in bed. Oh and I’d like that to come with a weekend supply of takeout Chinese and chocolate chip mint ice cream. And I don’t want to gain any weight from the food/doing nothing combo.

10. I would like that very big metal bobblehead chicken I saw at that store in Lucketts. And I would like it cemented into the ground in front yard so my friends can’t kidnap it and torture me like they did with my LAST metal chicken which I lovingly named "Shakira." I’d also like the new big metal chicken to be electrified so it will zap their dumb asses should they actually try to kidnap it.

Well, that’s about it for this year. I think I’ve been pretty conservative in my “wants for 2011, so pony up big guy. When I’m happy, everyone is happy, so it will be like a present to them as well…win win I say.


1 comment:

  1. So I guess you don't want the front row Taylor Swift tickets I got you?