The Naughty Red Boots…

Once upon a time, in a small quaint town called Manassas, there was a boot store, filled with the most wonderful cowboy boots in the world. There were brown boots and gray boots, blue ones and forest green ones. There were boots for working, and boots for playing, boots for church, and boots for just being lazy. There were boots made of lizard and boots fashioned from the skin of pythons. All were beautiful and quite proud of their fine workmanship. But in the back, on the bottom shelf out of sight stood a pair of lipstick red cowboy boots. No one ever tried on these lovely boots. Big drippy tears fell from the boots’ shafts, and they were terribly sad that no one loved them. Then one day, a woman with firey red hair and a sunny disposition walked through the door. She was looking for the most special pair of boots in the world, a pair of boots that would last forever, and would accompany her to special places. All of the boots stood up straight, showing off their glossy finishes and their intricate stitching. The woman looked at each pair, touching their beautiful leather, and contemplating their appearances. They were beautiful indeed, but not quite the boots she was looking for. She wanted extraordinary boots that could be seen from far away. As she approached the back of the store, the little lipstick red boots stood up as tall as they could. The woman bent down and smiled. These boots were special indeed. She slipped on the lovely little boots and they were a perfect fit. Then, something strange happened. The little red boots, as if by magic, began to make the woman dance and whirl about. These were the most magical boots EVER. The redheaded woman sashayed to the cash register and plopped down her plastic card. The little lipstick red boots were soooooo happy, they had finally found the perfect person to take them home. And the woman and the little red boots lived happily ever after…well…sorta…

Ok, so maybe not so happily, but at least it was never boring, for those little red boots, MY little red boots, turned out to have not just magical powers, but naughty magical powers. Right now the boots are grounded, relegated to my closet for their often borderline bad behaviour. I know you’re wondering what they could have possibly done, such a lovely sweet pair of lipstick red boots.

Ok, so it was a Friday night, a number of months ago, and Bill’s friend Bert came to town for a visit. We love when Bert slips into Manassas for the weekend, for inevitably, some sort of wicked fun ensues. After a “happy hour cocktail” at the house, we headed to one of our favourite establishments for the evening to see a friend’s band work their own special magic. Everyone would be there, so I was particularly excited about the prospect of a good time. I changed into something to fit my mood, made my hair as big as I could, and applied enough makeup to set a drag queen back on her heels in astonishment. I looked in the mirror...hmmm...something just isn’t quite right. Then it hit me…MY LIPSTICK RED BOOTS! I hadn’t worn them out since Bill had gotten them for me. That would be just the thing for an evening such as this. I slipped them on, and I swear to you my feet felt tingly. Ruh roh, this wasn’t going to be good. Oh well, you never know how far down you can go unless you make the leap...snicker...

So away to Clarke’s we went. And yes, all of our friends were there, even some I hadn’t expected to see. We chatted, we laughed until our sides hurt. We poked fun at each other, and we drank. Now I’m not going to say how much we drank, but trust me, I am pretty sure I smelled like an intoxicating combination of Chanel perfume and vodka. I felt fine though, just perfect. Then Bert ordered shots of Jaegermeister for everyone. We all toasted our wonderful lives and threw back the shots. That is the very last thing I remember.

But apparently, my boots and I had lively conversations with just about everyone, about all sorts of philosophical sorts of topics, including but not limited to, love, politics, religion and the color of my underwear. I danced while PJ belted my favourite Heart tunes into the microphone. It’s a good thing Clarke’s does not have a pole, because I am sure I would have been on it. The boots would have been all about pole dancing. I’ve never pole danced in my life. I’m not sure that would have turned out so well.

As the evening wound down, Bert and Bill took it upon themselves to get me home. Each one grabbed me from either side and hauled me out the door. My boots, however, were hell bent on staying. They screamed all the way to the truck. In fact, they dragged themselves toes down across the parking lot. Bill and Bert hoisted me into the back seat of the truck, but were unable to deposit my limp drunk body on the seat itself, so they put me on the floorboard. Unfortunately the boots were trying to make a quick escape and were still hanging out of the truck. So Bert and my darling Bill, in their infinite wisdom, simply folded up my legs and shut the door. All you could see through the back seat window were the magical red boots sticking up, yelling at the top of their shafts for Bill and Bert to let them the hell out of the truck. They weren’t finished yet! They had more to say! They wanted to dance some more. It was useless. Bill and Bert headed home, but not before stopping at the City Taven to say hi to some folks, leaving the boots and me in the truck! The nerve...

The next day I woke up not feeling my absolute finest, and that is all I am saying. What was interesting however, is that I was in bed, on TOP of the covers, fully clothed, including the boots. I looked down at my beloved boots and thought to myself, “Oh, this CANNOT be good!” Bill and Bert told me what had happened. It wasn’t good. If I could have, I would have spent the rest of my life hiding in bed. I removed the magic lipstick red boots, put them in their box, and shoved them in the closet. BAD BOOTS! NAUGHTY NAUGHTY BAD LITTLE RED BOOTS!!!

The boots have been out since then, but they aren’t allowed out very often. I wore them last weekend, but I kept a close eye on them to make sure they didn’t give any repeat performances. They could have been better, but they had definitely been worse. They’re back in the closet. I’m thinking about letting them out around the holidays.

So next time you’re shopping and you see a pair of innocent looking red cowboy boots peering up at you, begging to be worn out of the store, think long and hard about that purchase. It is my belief that all red cowboy boots are magic, and believe me, they don’t always use their magic powers for good.