Ok, in all honestly, it is WAY LESS than 10%. Pathetic, I know. Mostly pathetic because I keep making the same stupid overtures, expecting a different outcome. I am pretty sure that is the definition of stupidity in Websters Dictionary.
My mother used to tell me two things. First, she used to say that if there is a “wounded bird” within a fifty mile radius my front door, for sure it would land on my steps. Secondly, she would often remind me that having “doormat” tattooed on my forehead was not only unattractive, it was idiotic. Being nice has its rewards. Being too nice is usually rewarded with punishment of some sort. As usual, Mom, you’re were spot on in your summation.
So, as a result of my very special forehead tattoo, my life has been peppered with relationships that usually left me feeling empty, unappreciated, and taken advantage of on a grand scale. I’ve bent over backwards so many times for individuals that I have developed a talent for being what I like to think of as “emotionally double-jointed.” As a general rule, I never set the bar too high on my level of expectation, so any subsequent disappointment is tempered. Still, sometimes there are people and relationships that I can’t help but expect more from, mostly because I have tried so hard for so long. In the end, while my effort is exponential, what I get in return is usually less than what I would get from anyone else, even strangers.
Such is my most recent experience with someone who shall remain nameless. I am not trying to spare her feelings, mind you, but the feelings of “others” (nameless as well) who hold this person very dear to their hearts. I have heard, ad nauseum, about what a “good” and “family-oriented” person she is. Unfortunately, despite my best attempts to build a special bond and relationship with her, I’ve pretty much been slapped in the face, figuratively, by this “wonderful individual” at every turn. My final conclusion? She is a bitch, in every sense of the word, who can think of only those who she deems useful and necessary in her life. If she isn’t getting anything out of the relationship, then she is putting zero effort into it. Well, guess what, honey? I am DONE, OVER IT, THROUGH WITH YOUR ASS. And once I go down that road??? Well, there is usually no turning back. I will take a lot, but once you cross that magical line in the sand, you are persona non grata to me. That is where I am finally at in my “non-relationship” with this person.
What is sad is the fact that the one who really loses in all of this is her child. She will not have the pleasure and joy of knowing me, or how much love I have to give. She will not be the recipient of my generosity or kindness, because her mother has made it abundantly clear, my services as “someone important” in her life are not required. Nice..glad to see she is thinking of no one but herself. What a special person...I am rolling my eyes now.
In the end, I am sure I will be the one who is criticized for “cutting her off” or “not being understanding” because “she has so much on her plate” and so many commitments to others. Hmmmmmmm…I could be wrong (I’m thinking not) but the only commitment I’ve ever seen her exercise is her commitment to herself and what benefits her or her immediate family. She cares not for other people, and really has no issue with making people feel obligated in order to get what she wants from anyone. Were she not a significant person in the life of someone I love to pieces, I would not have spent ten minutes trying to be good and kind to her. I suspected from the start that she was exactly the way she really is.
I know that sometime in the future, down the road, she will “need” me for something. I will try not to gloat as I tell her to take her “needs” and sleep with them under her pillow, because that will be as close as she gets to her “needs” being fulfilled by me. It may not be the “right” or “Christian” or selfless thing for me to do, but for once, it will feel damn good to not have some undeserving pain in the ass wiping their boots on my very special forehead tattoo.
See? Maybe I have finally learned something useful after all these years. :)