Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says "Oh shit, she's awake."

Thursday, December 30, 2010

My New Years Resolutions...mostly a recycle of last year's list...

Ahhhhhh…New Year’s resolutions, the thing we all love to hate. I am having a hard time deciding what my resolutions will be for 2011. I hate to make promises I am clearly not going to keep. However, there are a few things that I need to work on in 2011, so I will do my best to give you my current list, many of which were on last year's list...who says I'm a quitter???

1. I resolve to not let my ass become the size of a truck. The size of a bicycle is my limit.
2. I resolve to work harder at being patient with stupid people. (After all, patience is what Santa was supposed to have brought me this year - it must be in my stocking SOMEwhere.)
3. I resolve to not sweat the small stuff. Instead, I will obsess only about the really BIG stuff that hasn’t yet occurred.
4. I resolve to monitor my wine/alcohol intake, and keep it at a respectable level. (Now you can take two ways – either I will NOT up my level to that of an alcoholic, OR, I will keep drinking enough to be classified as an alcoholic. Hmmmm…I love when I have wiggle room on these things.)
5. I resolve to not spend more than one hour a day on the Internet. (Of course, I'm not much of a clock watcher.)
6. I resolve to be more appreciative of the little things in life. So, the next time my cockatoo craps on me, I will refer to her “present” as “love drops” instead of “bird sh$t”.
7. I resolve to work with neglected children, namely my daughter.
8. I resolve to stop sending Bill text messages while I am talking to him on the phone.
9. I resolve to give up at least three clothing items that are circa late 1980s to early 1990s.
10. I resolve to buy clothes in another color besides black.
11. I resolve to stop obsessing about any newly formed lines on my face. I can barely deal with the old lines that have accumulated thus far.
12. I resolve to do less laundry and use more deodorant.
13. I resolve to give up chocolate...completely...ok, no I don’t.
14. I resolve to always wear clean underwear, just in case.
15. I resolve to not laugh at anyone who is clearly an idiot.
16. I resolve to spend more time with family, until they irritate me to a point whereas they become completely intolerable.
17. I resolve to stop comparing myself with skinny women under the age of thirty. Instead, I will only compare myself with overweight women over the age of fifty, which is bound to lead to a much healthier level of self-esteem.
18. I resolve to finish every bottle of open shampoo in my house before I go out and buy more. (I probably won’t have to buy shampoo until sometime in 2012.)
19. I resolve to not be a drunken idiot…in public. However, I cannot promise anything as far as what goes on in the comfort of my own home.
20. I resolve to breathe in deeply, exhale slowly, enjoy life more, worry less, stop being obsessive, love passionately, laugh with utter abandon, and dance at least a little, every day, no matter what.

Happy New Year’s…may you be blessed with good health, strong family ties, security, and lots and lots of love.

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