I hope this letter finds you, Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and your elf staff in good health. I know it must be an awfully tough time of year for you, seeing you’re not getting any younger. I must say, though, I've always admired how you keep that rosy glow in your cheeks. You must let me in on your little secret. The only way I seem to be able to get that sort of glow is an over-abundance of makeup, or a few too many vodka and sodas.
Concerning the matter of my Christmas Wish List, I’d like to say I’ve been on my BEST behavior this year, but I’d be lying. I have, however, been better than in years past, and I feel as though that should at least count for something. I did TRY to behave appropriately, but sometimes situations dictate otherwise, if you know what I mean. That being said, I haven’t been overtly mean to anyone, and I’ve tried to keep the bitchiness factor down to a minimum. Yes, there have been moments, and I do apologize for that. I’m sure Mrs. Claus is not always the picture of gentle femininity either. Lucky for you, you have a workshop full of elves that are probably all too happy to share a few beers with you and lament the challenges of dealing with a spouse who is feeling “less than lovely.” My Bill is very understanding when I have those moments, I must say. I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful and considerate fiancé. I also understand why he drinks.
Anyway, I’ve thought long and hard about what I would like for Christmas this year. (By the way, you can cross off the red cowboy boots, as those are my gift from Bill.) My fondest desire for Christmas this year would be to find a healthy dose of patience under the tree with my name on it. I know you are well aware that I’ve always been a bit challenged in that department, and I have decided that I would really like to work on that, particularly my level of patience with stupid people. Is it my imagination, or do there seem to be WAY more stupid people in the world now than, say, twenty years ago? I don’t know about you, but I am literally TRIPPING daily over clueless people who are not only happy in their ignorance, but seem to revel in it. While I am able to refrain from physical confrontations, such as a well deserved smack upside the head, I seem to be unable to keep my big mouth shut, and often deliver a stinging sarcastic remark, although honestly, they never seem to “get it” anyway. I know not everyone is interested in what I have to say, but I feel compelled to at least try to show these idiots some guidance. I only wish they could see through their stupidity to understand that I only have the best of intentions. Alas, I am often misunderstood in my motives. Do you think if I switched over to the “smack upside the head” approach, I would be more efficient at making my point? You’re right, probably not. It might be fun to try it though. Just sayin…
So please, dear Santa, if you could just spare a LITTLE patience for me to exercise in the coming New Year, I would be so very grateful. And I promise, to use it wisely. Indeed, I will save it for only the very dumbest and most annoying individuals. The rest, well...all I can say is I’ll do my best.
I’ll have the milk and cookies waiting.