All I Want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written, in fact it’s been since I sent my “I WANT” letter last year. I apologize for not keeping in touch, but it’s hard to find five free minutes on any given day, what with all the screaming at my daughter to clean her room and trying to get the endless pile of laundry done. I’m sure you’re busy as well, so let’s not dwell upon the fact that I have neglected our relationship. I’m sure you’ve had more important things to be concerned about, such as keeping those pesky elves out of the spiked eggnog, and making sure the reindeer don’t shit in the front yard. I know those two points would be at the top of my list of endless crap to worry about if I were you. I saw you at the mall last weekend. Looks like you’ve been hitting the cookies a bit too hard, and the liquor too. (I believe you’ve gone from rosy-cheeked to full on “gin bloom.) You might want to cut back on both…just me being concerned about your well-being. See how caring I am? I’m not always a bitch.

This year, I’ve compiled a very concise list of things that I would like for Christmas. My letter to you last year was quite “wordy” and mostly I just bitched about all the stupid things and stupid people that annoy me on a constant basis. By the way, thanks a lot. I asked for patience last Christmas. All I got was another set of bath products and a jolly “good luck with the patience thing.” Way to go. Thankfully I killed no one this past year, which I think should automatically put me on the “good list”. Go ahead, argue that point as much as you want, but in the end, you know you did not keep up your end of the bargain. Oh, and I hate bath products that smell like cupcakes. Cupcakes are for eating, unless, of course, you have someone fun to lick them off of you.

Anyway, here is a sampling of all that I am longing for. Feel free to pick and choose as you like.

1. I would like my daughter to stop rolling her eyes every time I ask her to hold up her end of the household chores. I would also like her to stop acting as if I have no brain in my head. I’ve gotten this far in life, so I am fairly certain that I am not an idiot. She would be well-served to take note.

2. I would like to stop putting on exactly two pounds every single freaking weekend. My eating habits during the week are about the healthiest out of anyone I know. I should be rewarded for my efforts by being able to eat and drink whatever the hell I want Friday night through Sunday afternoon. I hate having to lose two pounds every damn week...annoying.

3. I would like the work week shortened to three days. Seriously, don’t you think everyone would be a lot less stressed if we simply had a four day weekend and a three day work week? The mental health benefit alone makes it worth a try.

4. I would like a year’s supply of duct tape. There are too many people that I run into on a day to day basis that really just need to shut up. Telling them this doesn’t seem to help, and a smack upside the head is equally ineffective. So I am thinking that perhaps a good strong piece of duct tape across their flappy lips would be useful. I know my ears would LOVE it.

5. I would like Justin Beiber, Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga to just go away. Forever.

6. I would like a year’s supply of wine. Good wine. I’m tired of being relegated to the cheap stuff. You can also drop off a few bottles of Pinnacle Whipped Vodka. While you’re at it, drop some off at my friends’ houses too. They keep drinking all of mine.

7. I would like the Kardashians’ television show to be cancelled on E!. You can drop that bimbo Kendra as well. I’d like more E! True Hollywood stories, and I don’t mean about the Kardashians…or Kendra. Let’s try to take it up a notch, shall we? We’re all stocked up on shows about rich useless dumbasses.

8. I would like a one year unlimited subscription to TouchTunes. That way I can play Andy Gibb’s “Shadowdancing” as many times in a row as I want on the local jukeboxes from my phone, which will drive my friend Rich out of his mind. It’s one of my most favorite things to watch. I’m waiting for his head to explode.

9. I would like a “free weekend” – one that I can use any way I want without any demands on my time. I’d like to specifically spend it watching Law & Order SVU or Criminal Minds...naked and in bed. Oh and I’d like that to come with a weekend supply of takeout Chinese and chocolate chip mint ice cream. And I don’t want to gain any weight from the food/doing nothing combo.

10. I would like that very big metal bobblehead chicken I saw at that store in Lucketts. And I would like it cemented into the ground in front yard so my friends can’t kidnap it and torture me like they did with my LAST metal chicken which I lovingly named "Shakira." I’d also like the new big metal chicken to be electrified so it will zap their dumb asses should they actually try to kidnap it.

Well, that’s about it for this year. I think I’ve been pretty conservative in my “wants for 2011, so pony up big guy. When I’m happy, everyone is happy, so it will be like a present to them as well…win win I say.

Love,
Chris

If I were a man...I'd be gay...

for a variety of reasons but mostly because I would never put up with one tenth of the crap that women dish out on any given day. As a woman, I’m not proud of this fact, but I have tried hard to at least look at things from “the male perspective” from time to time. My conclusion? If I were a man, I would so be gay that I’d be dressed like Liberaci and belting out show tunes. Women are complicated, conniving, deceitful, manipulative, and downright bitchy – mostly they save this behaviour for other women, a fact that to this day mystifies me, and probably the reason why I only keep a handful of women close to me. Too many times I have stepped out of a dressing room to hear a “friend” say, “OMG, that is fabulous! And you know what would look really great with those gauchos??? Some knee socks and a pair of crocs!” Yeah, I wish I was kidding but I’m not. I’ve had friends that have a lifetime supply of ginsu knives just waiting to plunge into any woman they perceive to be a threat on any level. No mercy, go straight for the jugular. The crap women pull on each other defies explanation.

I do have a handful of friends who have withstood the test of time, and really been there for me no matter what the circumstances. We cheer each other’s accomplishments, and prop each other up when life kicks us in the teeth. We laugh together, cry together, and drink together…A LOT. We savour those moments when we can all look at each other and say with a huge amount of satisfaction “You’re a really great broad.” I love those girls. Female friendships should be celebrated, like a sisterhood. Wouldn’t it be nice if all women could treat each other with respect, and caring? But somehow, one woman always comes along who is so toxic that she poisons the water everywhere she goes. Women like that just piss me off. I can take a lot, but once they push me over the edge, that is when my “inner bitchy” comes out, complete with claws and the tongue of a viper. My tolerance for women who tear other women down so they can build themselves up is non-existent. These are the ones who should not have their “girl card” revoked, it should be shredded in teeny tiny pieces and forced down their throats.

I thank God for my female friends who shower me with love and support, including but certainly not limited to, my sister and my mom. There are others, and if they are reading this and smiling, they will realize that I am talking about them. I love you, admire you, and wish you nothing but beautiful days filled with everything wonderful that you deserve. Thank you for being there, for being my confidants, my champions, my family and my conscience. You remind me that among all the women who chronically suffer from jealousy and insecurity, there are some who are so secure in their own minds and hearts that they will not be dragged down to the level of those who are not as fortunate. In the end, you will always rise to the top.

90% me & 10% someone else...where is the equity in that???

Ok, in all honestly, it is WAY LESS than 10%. Pathetic, I know. Mostly pathetic because I keep making the same stupid overtures, expecting a different outcome. I am pretty sure that is the definition of stupidity in Websters Dictionary.

My mother used to tell me two things. First, she used to say that if there is a “wounded bird” within a fifty mile radius my front door, for sure it would land on my steps. Secondly, she would often remind me that having “doormat” tattooed on my forehead was not only unattractive, it was idiotic. Being nice has its rewards. Being too nice is usually rewarded with punishment of some sort. As usual, Mom, you’re were spot on in your summation.

So, as a result of my very special forehead tattoo, my life has been peppered with relationships that usually left me feeling empty, unappreciated, and taken advantage of on a grand scale. I’ve bent over backwards so many times for individuals that I have developed a talent for being what I like to think of as “emotionally double-jointed.” As a general rule, I never set the bar too high on my level of expectation, so any subsequent disappointment is tempered. Still, sometimes there are people and relationships that I can’t help but expect more from, mostly because I have tried so hard for so long. In the end, while my effort is exponential, what I get in return is usually less than what I would get from anyone else, even strangers.

Such is my most recent experience with someone who shall remain nameless. I am not trying to spare her feelings, mind you, but the feelings of “others” (nameless as well) who hold this person very dear to their hearts. I have heard, ad nauseum, about what a “good” and “family-oriented” person she is. Unfortunately, despite my best attempts to build a special bond and relationship with her, I’ve pretty much been slapped in the face, figuratively, by this “wonderful individual” at every turn. My final conclusion? She is a bitch, in every sense of the word, who can think of only those who she deems useful and necessary in her life. If she isn’t getting anything out of the relationship, then she is putting zero effort into it. Well, guess what, honey? I am DONE, OVER IT, THROUGH WITH YOUR ASS. And once I go down that road??? Well, there is usually no turning back. I will take a lot, but once you cross that magical line in the sand, you are persona non grata to me. That is where I am finally at in my “non-relationship” with this person.

What is sad is the fact that the one who really loses in all of this is her child. She will not have the pleasure and joy of knowing me, or how much love I have to give. She will not be the recipient of my generosity or kindness, because her mother has made it abundantly clear, my services as “someone important” in her life are not required. Nice..glad to see she is thinking of no one but herself. What a special person...I am rolling my eyes now.

In the end, I am sure I will be the one who is criticized for “cutting her off” or “not being understanding” because “she has so much on her plate” and so many commitments to others. Hmmmmmmm…I could be wrong (I’m thinking not) but the only commitment I’ve ever seen her exercise is her commitment to herself and what benefits her or her immediate family. She cares not for other people, and really has no issue with making people feel obligated in order to get what she wants from anyone. Were she not a significant person in the life of someone I love to pieces, I would not have spent ten minutes trying to be good and kind to her. I suspected from the start that she was exactly the way she really is.

I know that sometime in the future, down the road, she will “need” me for something. I will try not to gloat as I tell her to take her “needs” and sleep with them under her pillow, because that will be as close as she gets to her “needs” being fulfilled by me. It may not be the “right” or “Christian” or selfless thing for me to do, but for once, it will feel damn good to not have some undeserving pain in the ass wiping their boots on my very special forehead tattoo.

See? Maybe I have finally learned something useful after all these years. :)