For the record, I know my hair doesn't work with the head gear.
Ok, so the Pope is retiring. Retiring? Really? Who do you even write your letter of resignation to, God? I understand the rigors of the job, the pressure, the daily chore of jamming your feet in those funny pope slippers/elf shoes. It’s got to be hell, but in a good way on some level…because of course you live in the Vatican! Still, the stress must be exhausting, especially if you’re somewhere between freaking old and ancient.
Honestly though, I wouldn’t mind being Pope for a day. The food must be awesome and you get to have a million minions doing your bidding, not to mention an entire college of cardinals. Hell, I wouldn’t be writing my own homilies. That would definitely be their job, since they are a college and all. You get a cool pope-mobile, your own jet, millions of followers. I think I just found my dream job. I would have to become Catholic of course. I’m not thinking this will be a problem though. I hear they are enthusiastically accepting applications.
So when I heard the Pope was retiring yesterday, I have to say I was a bit taken aback. Yes, you are old. Yes, you may not be in the greatest of health and may walk with a cane, but you are, in fact, the Pope. Can’t you work around these things? I’m sure they can make all sorts of special accommodations for you, not to mention some really cute nurses to wait on you and give you sponge baths. Just delegate, my Man, delegate delegate delegate. What are they going to do? Say no?
I’m also not sold on his choice of retirement “homes.” I can guarantee a monastery would not be on the top of my list. Pretty boring, no? You work for the Catholic church. Really, look into some island real estate on the books. Pick something in a warmer climate, like maybe the
Caribbean or Mexico. Both are demographically Catholic. Hell, even Florida would be better than a place filled
with nuns and monks. Yes, there is an overwhelming Jewish population in Florida, but they sure know how to live. Find a nice sandy
spot on the beach, get some sun, order a nice fruity drink in a coconut. You can pray and tan at the same time. It’s
not difficult. You just need to figure out the whole multi-tasking thing. As a woman, I do it all the time, and once
you get the hang of it, you can get so much more accomplished.
I don’t know, maybe his heart was never really in it. He never seemed excited to be the Pope, not to mention John Paul was a tough act to follow. Anyone would have paled in comparison to John Paul’s outstanding papal talents. He even skied when he was Pope. I can’t remember Pope Benedict skiing one time during his entire tenure. They’re even fast tracking John Paul to sainthood. You’re quitting, Pope Benedict. No gold watch for you. Have you even been there long enough to collect your pension? Usually it takes ten years to be vested. You’re two years short.
I personally believe I would make an outstanding Pope. First thing I would do is institute a Friday Happy Hour and wine for everyone. I’d also change the color of those vestments to something darker so I would look thinner, and the pope shoes would have to go. Perhaps a nice pair of Pope heels (not too high, mind you) and a tiara instead of that giant Pope headpiece. That would give me a damn headache. And really, it’s not very attractive. Also, I'd move midnight mass back to, say 8pm, on Christmas Eve. I don't like mass getting in the way of time with my family and friends, and cocktails.
The possibilities are endless. There would be enough room for all my friends. We could have weekend games of “Angels and Demons” or “The DaVinci Code.” The location would be ideal for those sort of murder mysteries. However, Mondays would be my day off, no exceptions. I hate Mondays. I figure God doesn’t like them much either, or he would have made them more appealing overall.
Now all I need to do is figure out how to submit my resume and references. I’m a natural for the job…snicker…