FACT - kitchen appliances are not birthday presents.

This week, our coffeemaker passed away. I’m not sure how it died, but we could not resuscitate it. It was certainly a sad occasion. Once Bill and I got over the untimely demise of our kitchen appliance, we knew it was time to start a heartfelt discussion on a new coffeemaker. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that it would cause so much angst in our otherwise peaceful home. Long story short…I want a Keurig system coffeemaker, and Bill wants a traditional Mr. Coffee, load up the Folger’s, fill it with water and turn the bitch on kind of coffee maker. Therein lies our dilemma. Last night’s particular conversation was interesting – note that it took place while we were lying in bed, lights already out…

Me – “We really need to get a new coffeemaker. I think we should get a Keurig.”

Bill – “Do you want it for your birthday???”

Me – “Uhhhh…NO. Have you lost your mind? Why would I want an appliance for my birthday? You might as well be buying me a new vacuum cleaner.”

Bill – “Ok, no coffeemaker for your birthday…got it. But I think we should just get a regular coffeemaker. We don’t need a fancy coffeemaker.”

Me – “You don’t understand. The coffee is foolproof. You’ll no longer have to deal with my coffee, which is too strong for you. We don’t have to grind coffee beans anymore because I’m too much of an elitist to use pre-ground grocery store coffee. It makes a PERFECT cup of coffee every fucking time.”

Bill – “I just like regular Maxwell House coffee-flavored coffee.” Me – “A Kuerig makes regular coffee, by the cup.” Bill – “Yeah, but if it makes it one cup at a time, it will take too long.”

Me – “Honey, it brews a cup of coffee in less than a minute.”

Bill – “No, it’s not a good idea. We should just get a regular coffeemaker.”

Me – “You’ve never even USED a Kuerig before. You have no idea what you are talking about! Wow, are we REALLY having this conversation now? You must not want to have sex at all.”

Bill – “I’m sorry. Let’s just drop it and have sex.”

Tricia (yelling from her room) - "Would you just stop talking and go to sleep???"

Me – nothing but the sound of me rolling over and going to sleep.

I would have never believed that coffeemaker would be such a point of contention. Even more than that, I cannot believe my sweet and wonderful husband actually contemplated getting me one for my birthday. Buy me candy, buy me wine, buy me jewelry or a day at the spa. DO NOT buy me household appliances. THAT will put a damper on your sex life for sure.

I will not yield on this one. We are getting a Kuerig and that’s that. We don’t even drink enough coffee to finish a pot, and inevitably, we always make too much. So the wonderfully easy and convenient “by the cup” method is perfect for us. And Bill will no longer have to drink coffee that is so strong, you can literally watch the hair on your chest grow while drinking it. (Southerners…they drink some weak-ass coffee in my opinion.) I know he’s not really on board with it right this moment, but when it’s sitting on our counter, surrounded by the glow of convenience and urban chic, I know he’s going to love it.

Maybe, but whatever, if I can’t have a Boo like Pomeranian, then dammit, I am getting a Kuerig, and it won’t be a birthday present.  I win.