The power of forgiveness…

Forgiveness...I have not always been good at it, especially when it comes to forgiving myself. Indeed, there have been decades where I have punished myself, even long after I can no longer really remember what my mistake was. I try to be forgiving to others. In fact, I forgive my mother for making that horrible hossenpheffer stew with those cute furry little bunnies that Dad shot during rabbit season when I was a teenager. I know it was many years ago, but I thought the taste would never leave my mouth. I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally scarred over the experience, but let's just say anything made with "bunny" is not at the top of my favorite dishes.

My cross to bear in this life is a very hot temper. Thank goodness I also have a very long fuse, and it takes me some time to get to the point of no return, but when I do, the results can be catastrophic and my response can be pointedly mean-spirited and ugly. I try to dial it back when it comes to my anger, but I’m not always successful. Most often, the best course of action for me would be to step back, breathe deeply, and forgive. Setting someone’s hair on fire, or hiding explosives under their car is generally not an appropriate response, and usually a bit overkill. I must admit, I have never actually planted explosives or set someone ablaze (although I have dreamed about it), but the damage I have done with my words is often just as effective, maybe even more so. Words cut, they open wounds and make people bleed on the inside, where it counts the most. Words can last a lifetime, long after the outward damage seems to have disappeared.

I have also found that it is also just as hard to ask for forgiveness. We all screw up – sometimes in very big ways. It is a monumental task for most people, because we know that while we can apologize in the most heartfelt way, it does not guarantee that our apology will be accepted. No one likes rejection, and no one likes to think that somehow their transgression is completely and unequivocally unforgivable. Yes, it may be natural for us to personally forgive others but we live in a very unforgiving world - one that has a very long memory, and a tendency to want to punish others in the worst of ways for a lifetime.

Arguments happen, feelings are hurt, and tears fall. People inflict pain on each other, sometimes even when they don’t mean to do it. My point is that it is much easier and more personally satisfying to grant forgiveness and move on in a positive way. Simply learn from the experience. It is equally important to ask for forgiveness. Even if your apology is cast aside, at least you know that you were “man” enough to admit your fault, and strong enough to show the rest of the world that you fear nothing, not even your own weakness.

Just some food for thought…I was feeling very philosophical today.

A woman's guide to spring cleaning...

Housecleaning…it happens when the warm breezes of spring beg us to open our windows and let in just a bit of freshness to air out the mustiness of winter. We begin the ritual of tossing out the old to make room for the new, or simply purge the unnecessary. I’m a firm believer in purging that which has grown tired or useless, worn or dated. Honestly, other than my most favorite shoes or those vintage and classic pieces that are truly timeless, there is little I hang onto in my life. If it hasn’t seen the outside of my closet in more than two years, then off it goes to the nearest Goodwill store.

I’m finding that as I get older, relationships are another thing that I need to purge on a somewhat regular basis. Friendships are often like fashion – trendy and fun at the time, but increasingly tiresome as you move through the seasons of life. Sometimes you realize that you have simply outgrown the relationship. Other times it is more a function of putting more energy into it than you are ever going to get out of it. My rule is no emotional vampires, something you really have to watch out for these days. As I have often said, who needs “the quicker picker upper” when you’re living in the world of the self-absorbed. These clueless individuals are the ones that spend 95% of their time trying to decide if you, as a friend, are worth any kind of effort and what exactly might they “be getting out of it” on the other side. They suck the air out of a room from the moment they walk through the door, leaving everyone else gasping for whatever oxygen is left. Sad that there are those that base their relationships on what they need, rather than what they can give. Those of us who have been around the block more than a few times realize that it is never about what you can get, but what you can give. The more you give, the more you receive in ways you never even imagined. I’m sad for those that never get to experience such friendships, and count myself as lucky that I have so many people in my life who are such giving souls. We sustain each other through the bad times, and they make the good times so much more worthwhile.

I had the opportunity to spend an hour or so with one such person this past weekend. I consider her much like a sister, and as is the case with my sister, I never get to see her enough. But every time we get together, it is like picking up right where we left off. We are polar opposites on the political scale (although I am closer to center than she thinks I am) but very similar in our outlook on life. I wish it could have been a longer visit. I wish she lived closer. But I’ll take what I can get when it comes to spending time with her, and I will always cherish whatever time we share. Thanks Annessa, for being such a kind, compassionate and wonderful woman. You make my life richer, just by being in it.

I’ve met several other women over the past six months, as well as rekindled relationships with several others that I have known for the better part of my 46 years. Each has proven to me that there are indeed still really great women left in the world. Several of them would describe themselves as “low-maintenance”, and in fact they are. We get together when we can, and rarely make unnecessary demands on each other. I’m happy to stroke their egos, but it isn’t required. They are secure enough in themselves to know that no amount of ego-stroking from others can make up for the fact that self-love and security come from within. They don’t spend endless amounts of time comparing themselves to other women, and they are not in the habit of putting down others on a nearly constant basis. When we are together, we laugh a lot, appreciate each other, along with our own individual beauty and talents, and we care for each other - more deeply each time we are in each other’s company. These are the friendships you never throw away, for they will sustain you through your life. These are the friendships that one should always treat as a beautiful garden, one that requires watering and weeding, care and love. Thank you to each of you and know that I consider you a true blessing. You give me hope that there are still those who truly care for others and are willing to make the commitment to family and friendships without ridiculous expectations. I look forward to many moments and shared experiences, both good and bad, that draw us closer together.

I guess what I am trying to say is don’t be apprehensive about “spring cleaning” your life, even metaphorically. While it is often scary to throw out that which is familiar, clearly there is no value in holding onto that which is not working for you in your life. Often times, there in the pile of crap at the bottom of your closet, you find something even more precious just waiting for you in that beautiful unopened box.