There is little in this world that drags me down more than
one of my now infrequent bouts with depression.
Over the years I’ve been able to keep myself on a pretty even keel, thus
not falling down that nasty little rabbit hole that can quite often seem bottomless. I take my meds religiously, try to keep a
positive attitude, exercise regularly and eat right – all the things “they”
tell you to do in order to maintain the “emotional buffet” while navigating
through life. But sometimes, there is
that moment when no matter how you look at a situation, it makes you want to
crawl under the covers and hide, or in my case, hide in the closet with a
martini…or five.
So, it would seem that this is one of those times when
everything is towering over me, insurmountable situations that aren’t even
really fully in my control. Bill being laid off from his job after nearly 33 years is a big part of it, but not all of it. Yes, I am
nervous about being the only breadwinner until Bill finds a new line of
employment, but we have planned for it, and I can certainly keep us comfortable
on my salary. Still, nerve-wrecking though. But this time, most of my looming downward
spiral revolves around family relationships, manipulation, lies and drama – all
of which I cannot become truly involved in, because it’s not my side of the
family. Trust me, this is not about an argument between family at the
Thanksgiving table. I’ve been dismissed, told
I “don’t know anything about it”, and asked to step back. I’ve watched these mini-soap operas grow into
full length movies, complete with underlying plots…emotional rollercoasters
that bring you to the top of a hopeful situation, only to mercilessly push you
over the other side, and all you can do is watch and try to keep from
screaming.
Anyone who knows me will tell you in a heartbeat that my
tolerance for bullshit is at a level somewhere below zero. For some reason this strikes fear in the
hearts of some, but usually only those who are trying to pull the wool over my
eyes. That’s a really tough thing to do.
But when the situation involves people that you have no power to say what is on
your mind, then it turns into something akin to emotional paralysis. On the inside, my mind is screaming “are you
people fucking stupid???” and on the outside, I am forced to stand on the
sidelines, knowing what the final chapter will be – utter disappointment and
complete betrayal. I used to be hopeful, but that ship has
sailed. I don’t fault those involved for trying. Family is family and when it is yours, you
will do anything to save those involved. I get that. But when you constantly beat your head
against a wall, only to get the same response from the one you are trying to
save, then it turns into an act of desperation.
I’ve made my opinion known the few times I have been asked how things
should be handled, and every time my response has been the same. “You cannot
save someone who has no desire or intention of saving themselves, I don’t care
how good a game they talk.” Actions
speak louder than any spoken word and when they say one thing then do the exact
opposite, it’s time to step back and let that person, no matter how much you
love them, find their own bottom. Their
bottom is their determination, not those who are trying to help. What may seem like the bottom to you may be
nowhere near the bottom for the person in question. Interventions only work when the person being
intervened on is absolutely willing to take the steps to do the hard work to
get better. Otherwise, it’s like
spinning your wheels in the sand. You
just get sucked in deeper. When you have
to witness a significant other or partner get sucked into that hole by the
person they are trying to save, it is gutwrenching and heartbreaking. But there is nothing you can do but be there
for him. I’m trying to remember that, I
really am.
So this nightmare scenario, along other life-altering
melodramas, has me wishing I was anywhere but along the sidelines watching it
all go down. I am trying to see the bright side of things, and tell myself “It
will all be just fine. It always is” but I am wondering at whose expense. I’m not sure I can watch, so that rabbit hole
is looking mighty inviting. I bet there
is room for my martini glass and maybe even a bag of Grandma Utz’s potato
chips. I can hide in there, pretend the
outside world doesn’t exist, sleep as much as I want, and generally forget all about
the fact that my home, and my loved ones, are about to fall apart like a house
of cards…in my home, right in front of my eyes. I know it. I can feel it. But I
am helpless to do anything about it. To
those who think that my life is always sunshine and lollipops, glitter and
butterflies, it most certainly is not.
Today…today it pretty much sucks, and it will probably suck tomorrow.
I’m going to try to ignore that cozy rabbit hole for
now. It might be time to up my meds I’m
thinking. I really need to call my damn doctor about that. I’m going to march
on, smile on my face, with my wit and sarcasm to sustain me as I watch the
idiocy of the world go by. I know there
are people who are in far worse situations, but right now, at this moment this
is my albatross, my hell. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. Wish me
luck. And if you see me around, just
give me a smile and a nod. I’ll know you
“get it.” Trust me, I will appreciate it
more than you could even know.
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