So you know me…a fashionista, trendsetter, someone who likes
to be elegant but with an edge. I figure
that I have the rest of my life to wear sensible shoes and pants that allow for
“movement.” But not yet, not now. Currently I am in a “celebrate my age” frame
of mind. And that was exactly the
thought I had on my brain as I meandered through a certain store (which shall
remain nameless – I do not want to disclose all my discount shopping secrets.) I needed to get out and stretch my legs, as
well as my brain on my lunch break. What better way to do so than to rummage
through clearance racks in search of the next great wardrobe find.
I was actually searching for a new shirt of two – something in
another color besides black – to add to my spring collection. There were a couple that caught my eye, but
nothing that had the “wow” factor I was hoping for. Still, I was enjoying the experience and
continued onto the “jeans” aisle.
Now, let me start off by saying I have been perusing Vogue
and InStyle magazine for months now, and I have really been digging the whole “colored
jeans” trend. But it does sort of scare
me. It would definitely require me to
step out of my comfort zone, something I am not always good at doing. This is probably why most of my closet is
varying shades of black. Black is safe,
black is elegant. Black makes me look ten pounds thinner instantly, and I LOVE
that about black. But there are days when I just wish for something bright and colourful,
something that says “gutsy” and “fearless.” And while I do have a rather large
collection of Hawaiian print sundresses, they are really more for “hanging out”
not “letting it all hang out.” Besides, sundresses are seasonal. They don’t count.
I was sifting through my designated size area for jeans (because
I can never have enough jeans) and there they were, hanging there just waiting
for me – BRIGHT RED SKINNY JEANS. Not
just any red, but truly a red that would make your eyes burn if you stared at
them too long. And to add to my luck, they were Michael Kors, one of my very
favorite designers, my go-to guy who always makes clothes that flatter me, even
on my fattest of fat days. I looked
around suspiciously. Surely someone else would be eyeing these beauties for
their own closet. Quickly I dashed to my favorite spot, the dressing room. This
was going to be awesome.
I wiggled out of my very boring blue jeans and began wiggling
my way into the red skinny dream jeans…wiggling…wiggling…wow, they are even
skinnier than most skinny jeans. I finished pulling them up, buttoned and
zipped them, and stood back to look in the mirror. MOTHER OF GOD it was maybe the scariest thing
I had ever seen. I looked like some sort of weird circus midget (not that I
have anything against midgets.) The only
things that were missing were some Ronald McDonald shoes and one of the
rainbow/afro clown wigs. I had no idea
that any color could make anyone look like…well…I’m not even sure how to
describe it. For those who know me, it
is no secret that at 5’2”, I am hardly blessed with ANY kind of stature. But these jeans made me look half my regular
height. I turned around and tried to get
a view of the back. My ass literally
looked so big it would require its own zipcode if I ever left the dressing
room. Clearly, these jeans were meant
for someone about 5’10” and 110 lbs, and blonde. (The color did nothing for my
red locks either.) I was a washed out, apple shaped hot mess. I quickly removed them and decided it was NOT
me, it was the jeans, and that is why they were on a clearance rack. Shame on you, Michael Kors. I hurried out to the rack and found a pair of
dark wash flare leg jeans to try on…if for no other reason than to assure
myself that indeed I had not put on 50 pounds since yesterday. And I was immediately soothed by what I saw in
the mirror. It WAS the red jeans…damn
you Michael Kors…damn you to fashion hell.
So to this trend I say “SCREW colored jeans! Screw the whole
colorblock trend!” If I want to try to
wear something in the colorblock genre, I shall wear varying shades of black. That is as good as it will get. Truth be told, I’m still waiting for the
whole 80s Eurotrash look to come back into vogue. God knows I’ll be stylin’ then!
